Extraordinary Moments Everyday

4-10-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-30T01:03:00.002+08:00

Today has been a tiring day. Not physically, but mentally. It's an alternating of anger, hatred, guilty, happiness, joy, love and contentment.

For the first time, I experienced so much emotions in one day.

Anger - Was super angry with myself for not being able to understand the simplicity of processes for perception and listening. Coming from the background of studying communication, I realized I made the most sinful mistake of mixing such things up. Somehow, I'm even more angry at myself for not being able to memorize those stuff.

Hatred - I hate myself for having such limitations and not being able to memorize it. I hate it most when I know it's a simple quiz, yet I failed at grabbing those marks. And it's 10 marks out of 45. There was no excuse for it.

Guilt - I feel guilty for the fact that I didn't do as well as I could have been. Knowing especially the amount of effort I've put in in so minimum and still expecting so much. I'm even more guilty that I can let important dates like today (Ming's bday). His return message was he has been waiting for my message since morning. Sometimes, I really wonder if I'm worthy of anything good in life.

Happiness, joy & love: Went for networking event on entrepreneurship and was recharged by a senior business man. What really brightened up my day was Gladys willingness to help me despite not knowing how to help me in any way. It's those simple things that got me so touched that such unworthy creature has such amazing friends.

Contentment: I wept today again. Haha. It felt so good. Not for no apparent reason. But the mount up pressure inside of me and full impact of watching Creation. I've always wanted to watch it, but can't seem to get the right one. Finally watched it this evening and I let the tears flowed freely. I then begin to realize, it's not that I don't need any person to talk to or connect, it's that I'm too emotionally detached from everything. Perhaps that is why it is apt to call me Tin Man after all. Despite going through such excruciating pain, I still want to continue on this journey of crazy and beautiful life.

3-10-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-28T23:59:00.002+08:00

Today has been a terrible day for me. One of the worst nightmare of my life to be honest. Now it's already 2.04am and I can't seem to study any more! Sigh...this is one of those days where I wish I can have someone beside me and just enjoy the silence.

The truth is still the truth. There's no chance of changing it now and crying over spilled milk. Went for a walk around hall, walked from old can a to hall and ya, I still want to walk! :(

So far, only managed to cover chap 1, 3-7. Still left chap 2 & 15. :( Haiz...this is one of those days I wish I can sleep over all those worries...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUi54JTgL5s&ob=av2n

2-10-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-27T23:24:00.002+08:00

Having to recount really sucks! Can't wait to break the record....

In any case, I'm super pissed off by my CV2301 tutor. His frivolous method of teaching totally killed my passion for asking question today. I nearly wanted to leave during the tutorials half way because he's not helping in any sense. Eg: how is this graph drawn in this manner, he will like, there, you see the equation and you will know. Very easy. WTF. If I know how to see equation, I won't need to ask you already right? Thinking about it makes me mad now still.

In the afternoon was a little bit productive. Managed to complete one question of autocad. Despite the fact hat I spent like 1h to do one question, which is like super ineffective, I still feel the sense of satisfaction because it's like programming, just that everything is new and doing it seems challenging. Well, it's for tomorrow's lab, so I'm glad I've more time to other 2 questions tomorrow. :)

Night was a little slow at the start. But some time around 9-11pm, I can't believe I was mugging like crazy. Primarily I totally forgot that I've a quiz on Friday for CS100! 8 chapters and I just completed 2 only! Gosh, this is insane! Feeling super stress now!

And the fact that I've sent out a sms and she hasn't reply till now is a little worrisome for me. Not sure if it's a good thing though. Thankful that I still can focus and not sitting around worrying. Well, back to work.

1-10-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-26T10:03:00.003+08:00

I feel like killing myself for not blogging last night! Had to restart the counter all over again! :(

In any case, it was a busy day yesterday. Had tons of fun during BS class last night and I reckon TPY is a really intriguing centre in the sense the people though don't meet pretty often, are quite bonded. It very much reminds me of CKP, just that the level of love reciprocated is on a different level.

8.30am lecture was a crazy one too. Only glad I started off the week on a good note and continuing the momentum now. Was so busy preparing the quiz for today that I nearly died yesterday fearing I'm not able to complete the tutorials and revision.

Check on academic: thus far, I'm now on track for CV2001 (because of quiz today), CV2601 and....omg...that's all. Shit. Lagging behind for Cv2101 and CV2301. Gosh, need to buck up and pick up more speed. Have transferred my stuff over to Joey's hall. I will be having MiE project tonight, so ya, expecting today to be another long day.

Two biggest happiness for today (as of now), the morning message from Debs and a pretty manageable quiz fro Cv2001. Today's an awesome day! :)

(on a side note, here's something interesting)

Your love life is still super-charged right now -- so if it doesn't seem that way to you, get out there and make something happen! You need to make sure that you're better equipped for romance.

So cool right? :)

10-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-24T22:06:00.002+08:00

Yes! Finally crossed the double digit mark! :) Not sure how long this can go on, but I'm hoping I can continue this trend for one month at least.

In retrospect to what I've done over the holidays, I realized that I'd a good R&R, but I didn't exactly finish the work I was tasked to finish. Yes, I did complete my lab report (which took me like 2 days to complete) and the other academic I did was going through some statistics lecture notes. Tuesday is the quiz and I'm still not prepared for it. I'm seriously asking for trouble.

A quick recap, Monday was WSC VOC & catching up with Sze Yong and Faizal. Tuesday was a rest day for me. Was feeling super terrible. Wednesday went to school to "attempt to complete" the lab report while night was spent discussing EN105. Thursday was better in the sense I finished with majority of the lab report thanks to Deborah's assistance. Then Friday was CKP video recording day, night I can't exactly recall, but all I remembered was it was an emotional day. Yesterday was busy as I spent the whole day doing EN105 stuff. And today, touched up the lab report and finally finished with the printing! Cool. Then did a few questions on statistics tutorial 1 questions. :(

Time to buck up Tin Man! More way to go if you want to hit above 3....And you need to be more knowledgeable so you will be able to help her in her studies! Guess that's my main source of motivation to do well now. Lol. Not a very valid and purposeful reason, but a good enough one to keep my system going for now.

9-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-23T23:35:00.003+08:00

I think for the first time, I'm quite flabber-gusted at what happened tonight. I reckon the more I keep in touch with this person, the more euphoric I feel. When the person messages at such fast pace, I feel the adrenaline rush to want to know the content. When there's no message after a reply, I'm constantly looking at the phone to see if I actually miss the sms alert. Lol. Signs and symptoms....it's so obvious now. There is no denying. :)

Today has been a rather fast day for me. Woke up late and had to take cab to school for MiE lesson. Again, it was an insightful to learn from the experienced entrepreneur who have been there and done that. He is one straight forward guy, very on the ball and best of all, non-academic. Haha. Apart from one of the EN103 instructor that I truly admire and respect because of his thinking philosophy and precision on business aspects, I think I admire this guy's success and philosophy too. Very anal about how we as humans/ students, define certain terminology. I like. :)

Evening was spent discussing about the project and making amendments for surveys. Yawns. Boring but crucial part about analysis research and feasibility study. Cool stuff. And it's indeed true, I reckon it's about time I start venturing into some tech ventures and get my hands dirty with such stuff. Techs seems to be the next wave of mega millions in the shortest possible time and greatest scalability factor. Duh....just that it takes some time to get into my thick-skull....and convincing myself that all the hard work & commitment is worth the effort. Haha.

8-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-22T22:00:00.001+08:00

It doesn't mean you are a pessimist, it just means the world is more optimistic than you are right now. Haha. I totally love this phrase for once!

Today has been a rather loving day. Despite waking up at 12+, took lunch at home and rushed down to Yishun to meet up with CKP for video recording. Was supposed to have lunch with them at 12.30pm but oh well, some things just don't turn out quite right.

Had tons of fun recording. Everyone was "stressed out", Desiree kept saying,"it feels like my heart is going to give way soon". So hilarious. The entire recording was much faster than we anticipated. It was short and sweet, not to mention fun. :) Even had time to go to Safra to take a tour and played at some stupid machines. Haha.

The evening was a little emotional for me. Watched Toy Story 3 and the entire plot was filled with plenty of emotions. Excitement, hysteric, romance and of course, love and friendship. So I totally fell in momentum of the show when it ended. Happy and emotional at the same time. Then spent another hour packing my table and yup, here I am typing and preparing for tomorrow's entre lesson in school.

7-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-21T22:00:00.003+08:00

I have been experiencing major energy leak recently. Somehow, the more I spent time with her, the more I'm impressed and falling for her. Humility, ability to communicate, bilingual flair, willingness to work hard, caring and helpful.

Somehow, the breakfast and lunch today just seem so right. The mixed of emotions running is just so random. For the first time, I felt like I could actually connect in a certain way. I don't exactly know how to say it, but yeah.

After today, I'd two conclusions. One: I'm officially falling for this particular girl. She somehow possess the qualities that I've been searching for her, except the part on entrepreneurial minded. Two: I'm really confused about my current emotional state. Well, I guess it's normal considering I've lost touch with my emotions for the past donkey years. Reckon it's time to clean off the thick layers of dust and start to learn to live like a human again.

And till now, I'm still coping with the energy leak. Can't quite focus, feeling ultra random about many things and to make matter worse, I reckon my stomach is feeling super sick. Getting red stools, upset tummy and lousy apetite. What scared me was I can't exactly tell I'm hungry now. It just comes in pangs of hunger and pain all of a sudden. It's really scaring me in a way like I can no longer feel the kind of hungry feelings I used to have.

6-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-20T11:59:00.002+08:00

Today was not ok. Unproductive, wasted and feeling super ill. The only consolation, taking lunch with her and doing the report beside her. The more I have meals with her, the more impressed I am with her. I realized that she has the innate ability to communicate and connect with people and what's more is she's a saver! :)

Ok, that's so beside the point. I'm just impressed by her background and what she has gone through basically. Still more to uncover. Don't wish to jump to conclusion about anything yet. Still...somehow my feelings is like the following song. In any case, my tummy is feeling uber weird. It's like some kind of gastric. One moment feel like puking and next feeling super hungry. Damn crappy. Don't care le. Just going to sleep. Sleep first, talk tomorrow.

5-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-19T22:00:00.001+08:00

It's indeed hard to believe I managed to hit 5 days in a row of consistent blogging. This ain't anything to be proud of, but for me, I reckon it's a great sense of achievement.

Today is a frustrating Tuesday. Waking up at 12pm isn't a sign of a successful person. The worse was I even slept early last night around 11pm. Gosh, my body is really in need of a physical workout. What makes matter worse was I was only at the content page of my lab report before I fell asleep again....all the way till dinner time. Feel like killing myself for being so slack on myself.

Time waits for no man...how true....

Looking at the past few days, I felt so unproductive. Sat was packed with lesson, tuition and celebration with IGC at USS. Then Sun was another lazy day squandered with more sleep. Yesterday was IGC VOC (which wasn't very good in my opinion) and at night I spent it catching up with Faizal and Sze Yong. No work done for past few days until now.

Time to pull up those lazy socks of mine and start moving.

4-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-18T23:18:00.002+08:00

Today was supposedly to be a very happy day. Yet, after watching a show called Elephant Man on okto, you begin to realize that whatever challenges you're facing now is nothing compared to what that guys has gone through.

It suddenly boils back down to two things for me, spending time with family and learning to live with your limitations and move on. I was extremely touched by his spirit and courage to continue on living in his state of life. Then again, I don't like to end off with a bad note, so shall share my more pleasant experience.

Went for WSC VOC. One word, CMI. Planning was very hectic, games are seriously very lousy and venue was crappy to say the least! Can go on and on, but main point is, I had a good time despite all the negative deadweights.

Then had a catching up session with Faizal and Sze Yong. As usual, it was a pleasant and good learning experience for me and them. Picked up new perception about real estates and teaching at the same time. I then suddenly saw that meeting and catching up no longer just limit to talking cock, sharing individual learning point. I also found out that I'm now gaining even more perspective from the other person and making a conclusion of what kind of person he was/ is and will be changing to. Sounds scary, but ya, just new insights. Pictures will be uploaded when I've more time. Apologies if you are looking forward to it.

3-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-17T18:35:00.003+08:00

Yes! For the first time after three consecutive attempts I managed to break the cursed number 2. :) Little steps towards improvement.

This sunday is a very surreal one. Had been sleeping a lot this day to catch up on last night's sleep debt. I woke up ard 12pm, just in time to go down to shop to help out my dad. Subsequently was there till the shop closes. The next couple of hours, I was reading! Something which I haven't been doing for like ages. Looking back, I then realized why I can't help this troubled acquaintance of mine for the past few weeks in her ultimate distressed mode.

Later went to lala land again to enjoy the great sunday afternoon. It was amazing. Getting ready now for family dinner and will be issuing my "first" check to my sister for a successful investment. I'll post up the photos later together with those I've taken a last nights & other random photos along the way. :)

2-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-17T03:07:00.000+08:00

Finally, I got the chance to take a short breather today (technically after 1pm). Had lesson earlier on today, in school on the first day of a recess week! Oh god. But it was a fun experience. Had sharing session from my seniors in EN105 projects. Some of their ideas are sooo cool that I totally fell in love with them. Back2basics, a love-dovey group for lovey-dovey people, doing up montage, albums etc for couples. The Campus Fashion by a group of bimbos with surprisingly, amazing spirit of entrepreneurship and courage. Totally salute those girls for the ideas and execution! Amazing. There were a lot of other ventures that were really interesting, but one group hit me the most was the group which took 2 months to come out with a business idea. Research, research, storming, storming, arguments arguments...a tedious and straining process, but when you see their end results, it was absolutely rewarding. Their faces, voices and body language says it all. I wonder when is the day I can reach there...

Honestly, I was surprised at what happened during today's session. I lost my control of emotions and I nearly flopped on this naughty girl. I musty if she'd went one step further, I would have shouted at her or even slapped her. Only glad that I just threw her stuff everywhere. Yeah, I threw away everything in her bag and pencil box on the floor and forced her to pick it up. Upon reflection, I realized that I was a total disaster and immature to derail myself to such standard. Anger, anger and built up anger. It was so irrational and surprisingly, I wasn't regretful about it. In fact, I was delighted. I found something about myself that I didn't know exist. A darker side that has yet to surface for far too long. When there is light, there will be darkness. The brighter the light, the darker and bigger the shadow. Really thankful this darkness hasn't totally taken full control. Time to send out email to apologize.

Then there was a hangout session with RSPHI people. What totally amazed me was I can totally be myself when I'm with them. I totally felt at home with this folks. I reckon why I loved HI so much at the start. Perhaps along the way, something happened and drained my energy from the CCA. In any case, I'm sad to say I'm leaving and honestly, I'm not sure if I'll regret this decision, but keeping in mind my GPA, I strongly doubt I can succeed in both areas if I were to dwell in both.

The night session was totally awesome to speak the least! I went Universal Studio for the first time!!! Omg! I was SO EXCITED! Really! I feel like I'm both a sua ku and a kid at the same time. Haha. And I even took some photos! Then again, it's not as many as a cam whore, very professional one some more, with DSLR! -,-!! Literally take ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! So scary! Haha. I bet even if you were to do the smallest action, it's been captured. Best part, the person is a SHE and her character totally reminds me of Boon Piang! Lol.

It's amazing what a day's difference can do to you. I was super emo last night & super high today! And YES! I found the discipline to keep tabs of my progress. Haha. Let's see if I can continue this progress.

(P.S: This post was done at...3.06am. I still consider it yesterday because I got home after 12am. So yeah, time didn't permit me to do, but I'm recording it as yesterday as the momentum is still there as yesterday. :)

2-2(III)(backlog)

2010-10-16T11:48:00.002+08:00

1-2(III) (backlog)

2010-10-15T22:45:00.002+08:00

Can't believe it. I really never get past two days of consistent blogging. Really feel like hitting myself for being so ill-disciplined. Haiz...

Recently, quite a few things have been happening. Some good news and not so good news.

(1) One of the worker is finally back from his marriage honeymoon (aka my weekends may not be as packed as Sept)

(2) So many quizzes happening within these two weeks. Majority of them I know how to do, just sad that I made careless mistakes for my fluids, flung my soil because I wasn't familiar with the equations, reckon I just passed for MOM because I wasn't clear on one particular concept. -,-!

(3) Signed up for peer tutoring for 2 modules. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the right choice, the tutor doesn't seem to explain the concepts very efficiently. Oh well, it forces me to read so I can ask questions during the session.

(4) Recess week has officially started! YET I can't feel any sense of HAPPINESS!!!! I feel like crying in fact. Or more accurately, I just cried. I felt like a crybaby recently, storing all those emotions and releasing them through tears. It's not that I don't have anyone to share these problems with, but after being reticent for so long, I'm already too weak and tired to ask for any help. These is one of those times where I wish someone can just sit beside me quietly for a couple of hours.

(5) Camps, camps and camps. It pains my heart not being able to join salsa camp because I need to do my stock research and buck up on my academic work, not to mention EN105 project. :( Even walking straight after salsa class today hurts a little, knowing I'll be missing out on really good stuff next week. Argh!

(6) Something interesting happened this week too. I've got quite fated with this girl who happens to be in the same lab session and both peer tutoring modules. Had a dinner with her and found her having an interesting character. Well, let's see if there is any possibility of knowing her more before I made any decisions. Yet, one thing is for sure. I'm definitely looking forward to receiving sms from her.

2-2-2 (backlog)

2010-10-13T22:00:00.000+08:00

Woots~! It's finally over! The lousy days of quizzes are over for this week. The sense of relieve finally washed in after CV2101. It totally brings me to life after the paper despite I didn't do as well for the paper. ;)

You run into rules and red tape wherever you turn today, but don't let that get you down. It's a good idea for you to just go along with it all for the time being and then fight back when you're peaking.

Looking forward to friday for Salsa lesson. Reckon it's a part and parcel of taking on new things because you start to learn new skills and like it as you get better. Time to do the report and continue with the backlog.

Planning to do some catching up over the recess week with CKP and perhaps research on stocks if time permits. Will also be clearing my backlog of course! :) Time to choing report!

2-2-2 (backlog)

2010-10-13T11:31:00.002+08:00

Something miraculous happened to me today. I saw an angel appearing right before my eyes and it suddenly cleared away all my doubts, worries and sorrows. Don't understand what I'm talking, go view my facebook status.

Like to end off today with a great note. On top of finishing the quizzes for this week, Salsa for friday and meeting CKP the following week, it rocks my world to know so many people are attracted to something which you have written. I don't exactly know how to describe the feelings in words, but it rocks to see people are concerned about what you have to say in little things, especially something trivial yet meant so much to me!

Wonders of wonders...how an angel can just be sitting next to you and yet you know next to nothing....

1-2-2 (backlog)

2010-10-12T23:58:00.002+08:00

Gosh, I can't believe I missed it again yesterday. Restarting the whole thing again today. Well, at least it seems like I'm maintaing at 2 posts. Lol.

Just finished CV2901 lab test today. Super cui. Think with Google as best friend for quiz still can have the possibility of not scoring. Sian man! Having CV2101 quiz tomorrow. The killer subject with highest failing rate, with an astounding 4AU. Feeling like crying over the weekend while I was studying this module.

No time to talk. Need to get back to work. Have yet to complete the revision. Keeping my fingers crossed. Can't wait for tomorrow 11.30am to come! :)

2-2 (backlog)

2010-10-10T21:56:00.003+08:00

A little disappointed with myself this weekend. Had been really inefficient. Overall, I admitted that I succumbed to temptations and didn't exactly quite follow through on some of my initial plans. Sent out the email to the my group mates late and I napped yesterday evening and this afternoon! Omg, so freaking waste of time!

Manged to clear on topic yesterday, and only a small portion of Chapter 3 today. Quiz is on Wed and I'm still not prepared. Feeling super stress...best part is I have yet to go through the lessons for last Mon's sign language class and there's a lesson tomorrow. Jia lat....

Will most probably chiong tonight to clear this topic together with soil tutorial. Time to start working on my tutorials on time to prevent any more backlog.

Sometimes I just wish I can have more discipline like you...

1-2 (backlog)

2010-10-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Still clearing my backlog today. Can't believe CV2001 is killing me! Everything seems so simple yet so complicated. So tricky! Wish I'd more determination to continue this afternoon after tuition instead of sleeping!

Managed to clear one chapter, still have 5 more to go. Working through Chap 3 now. Got to complete the tutorial by this week end no matter what. If not, I doubt I have the motivation to do during the recess week.

This semester somehow seems like I'm bombarded with SO many choices to make. Felt so strenuous to make sure every decision I make is fulfilling and bringing me closer to my goal. Yet each time I looked back, I realized I wish there were certain choices I've made with more information and emotions.

Thus far, I need to do the following during the recess week:

(1) do my revision

(2) attend WSC VOC

(3) yearns to attend Salsa VOC

(4) research on my REITs

(5) EN105 project

(6) lab report

So much things to do, yet so little time! In some way, I've already given up on VOCs because there's really too much work on hand. And I'm still not certain if the shop's workers are back as promised. If they aren't back, I'm supposed family still comes first.

This is one of those times I wish I didn't have so much burden, didn't know so much skills and just enjoy a simple Uni life, with camps, school work and companies of great friends. Like the saying goes...

With great powers comes great responsibility.

I've also missed my daily consistent blogging. So I'm restarting the count again. Theoretically, I want it to be a daily entry, so I did a little tweaking of the time to yesterday. Hadn't realized that time passed so quickly while doing CV2001 tutorials.

Reckon the only motivation for me is dancing Salsa. Starting to fall in love with it. So looking to every Friday's Salsa class! ;)

Day 2 (backlog)

2010-10-07T19:51:00.003+08:00

Had my CV2601 quiz today. Felt so relieved after the test. Though I didn't do as well as I expected, I reckon I did far better than last time (or at least much better than CV2301). Totally flung CV2301 I think...not like I didn't study, I did. But just didn't have enough time to do the calculations questions and couldn't quite think for the mcq questions. Crossing my fingers that I'll minimally passed the quiz.

Overall, been quite satisfied with my current pace. Have been clearing much tutorials, CV2601 is now on par, once I revised through CV2101, it should be on par also. Will use the little time I've on week ends to do CV2001. Hope everything will fall in place in the coming weeks ahead. Quite looking forward to the weekends and recess week because I can finally begin my research on REITs. ;)

Had my EN105 discussion last night and rope in an unknown member from batch 24. Not sure if it's a wise choice. Had a talk with the new guy and I quite like the way he takes responsibility for everything. We chatted a little about relationship and from the way he talks, I can see why he's still single. When he asked about me, I was also quite surprised with my own answers too. I told him I was constantly surrounded by girls who are already attached. That very much explains WHY I'm not attached. Lol. Man, sometimes chatting about other people can lead in to some answers about yourself too.

Maybe it's time to start hanging out with girls who are single again. Yes, maybe I should just do just that next week. :)

Day 1 (backlog)

2010-10-06T22:00:00.001+08:00

Cut straight to the chase. I'm having mixed feelings recently. One moment I'm over the moon, the next I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. How ironic to be feeling so...

What caught my attention the most is that I'm not progressing as well as I should have been. Hence, I'm going back to basics. Doing a recording of my daily happenings and I'll see how long this recording will go. My previous recording stopped at day 12- 15. Not too sure about the exact numbers. My goal now ain't about surpassing the number, but wanting to keep track of my daily progress.

Life has been very fair to me recently, filling me up with SO many things that I couldn't quite handle. Perhaps it was the procrastination that leads to such situations. Acadamic wise, I'm clearing the backlog of my tutorials. Thus far, I've cleared CV2301 & CV2601. I still have CV2001, CV2101 (which I'll be starting over the week ends, hopefully) and need to revise on CV2901 (lab, still thinking how on earth that lecturer is going to quiz us with such little stuff on his notes).

For business, I'm quite happy that things are settling down. James has finally found out what went wrong in his system after a long chat with him last meeting and Sylvia has reduced contact with me from her personal/ business problems. Now, I'm only concern about my shop below. Shortage of 2 workers has no doubt burnt my week ends. I'm not complaining, it's just that I can't believe there are so much work to be done on week ends. Meetings with the EN105 group has also taken up bulk of my time, just praying I can seal up my energy leak asap.

As for toastmaster, I reckon I'll also be taking a break. Will focus on helping Jun Long first so he'll be able to prepare an organized speech. Other than that, I reckon I won't be going down for chapter meetings on a regular basis. Need to spend the time to clear the backlog and preparing the exams.

Let's hope this recording can go on like what Jim mentions.

Goal for today
To finish CV2601 Tut 5 for this week and study CV2601 for tomorrow's quiz. :)

The world doesn't give you what you need, it gives you what you deserve.
(1) To finish studying

update

2010-09-27T03:20:00.002+08:00

It feels like ages since I last blogged. Nothing major happened, perhaps the fact that I'm so muh closer to CKP (I think primarily because of dota) and won trophies in evaluation (2nd) and humourous speech (3rd) contest.

Have also taken part in Salsa. Initially contemplating on quitting RSPHI, yet, after a few incidents, it sort of firmed up my mind that I can't quite connect to the people in there. Not going to blame it on anyone, just going to take full responsibility of my inability to convey some of my ideas across.

James progress also got me a little worried for him financially. His first child is a baby girl! Of course, I'm very happy for him, at the same time, I'm also worried for him. He has no intention of letting his wife work for the first three years, which is very sweet of him, then again, looking at his current progress, it scares the hell out of me to have the ability to say there.

There are only so much you can say to a friend, especially on financial issues. Perhaps this is one of the many reasons I didn't like to connect with people on a very personal level. It boils down to many things, family, friendships, life and especially money.

金钱不是万能，但没有它万万不能。

Went out for dinner with ShuZhen. Initially was hoping I can get some toxic stuff released by seeing her, realized that it still comes back to the age old topic of financial. Seems like my life revolves very heavily on financials.

On top of that, I'm beginning to see my own transformation. I'm in some way, losing my old self and adapting to a new self. How should I put it, it's like I'm no longer able to connect with people on a very deep level. I can and have some ability to help & inspire people, yet at the same time, I can't seem to connect with people the level of magnitude and problem that I have. friends. I begun to resort to seeking answers that are beyond my circle of friends. Perhaps I've yet to find the right person to talk to. When I do, I reckon I'll be able to find back my source of connection.

Oh, one more very disturbing thing has happened. I saw that I'm a man of lesser words. Flair for language and the ability to talk right on different occasions is still there, I hope. Yet, I can't seem to express myself properly when I go out with people. Maybe it's time to do what is said to be done, relearning to communicate again.

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

why

2010-09-08T00:18:00.003+08:00

Many friends asked me why don't I want to continue doing what I've doing in my past? PG, personal training, corporate sales team and even my current CCA (quitting at the end of the year).

PG is lucrative business, but not sustainable and definitely no proper benchmark nor a specific direction. In short, the business plan for this company was simply crap.

Personal training, was working hand in hand with PG, but recently, have stopped such areas for a long time because I realized I'm not going anywhere very far with such complex thinking. I realized that the thing I'm lacking now is not the gurus talking to me, but making the right decisions every single day and filling it with proper time management.

Corporate sales team. I did this in the past, but stopped it because of time commitment.

Current CCA. Yes, I'm pretty in some sense I did some storming with a close friend in this CCA just now. I've voiced my concerns and yes, I'm glad I learnt a new word again today, it's called

Learning to say no, not towards the end but right at the start. If you ain't free to do so many things, protect your greatest asset (time) by saying no. This is something very powerful I've learnt recently. In fact, I'm glad I went through this storming phase with this friend. My only wish is that after all the storming, we can get to see the rainbow because I hate losing such a great friend. Then again, chances of those people staying with me after the storming phase are very few. That is why for those who are still with me on a deeper level, have truly come to understand me. And for those who are in the midst of the storm with me, only can see the superficial level. The tedious work, the additional sacrifices they have to make in order to be close or stay in good relationship with me.

I ain't no idol nor great person. In fact, I think I'm a good for nothing that live to inspire others by turning the nothing into something good. I've yet to succeed, so being near me doesn't add much value to you.

The only thing I've to say, if you don't find that I can value add you, then don't bother trying to understand me. If you truly want to understand me, then take time, be patient and I promise I'll be very close and explain many things to you.

心结

2010-09-05T22:30:00.002+08:00

有因必有果。凡事的因都来自个人思想，行为举止都是果。造的孽都因当承认，无可推卸。

Have been really thinking a lot lately. So many choices I could have made, yet of all, I when I followed my heart, I realized that the destination wasn't what I wanted. Yes, I did learn from experience, but it somehow seems like history is repeating itself again.

Am I frustrated because I didn't get the results? Or am I feeling guilty because I didn't match up to my real potential? More importantly, why did I end up with those choices? I can't say I'm surprised, I can only say the fact that I want to remain reticent is the greatest weaknesses.

This is one of those time where I wish I was really you.

new search

2010-09-04T01:20:00.002+08:00

Something has been changing. For the better? I sure hope so. Went for CS100 mass com and the lecturer is pretty fun and entertaining despite the fact that he's a PRC. Interesting. Haha.

Just came home from CKP outing. Sure enough, CKP never fails to add some additional humour, laughter and some personal touch to my evening. The surprising thing is that after a while, the touch seem to wane off just too fast.

The search for something more is always there. This time round, I reckon it's something larger, something which even till now, I can't quite pin point. Maybe it's found not here, but somewhere inside of me.

Will continue finding. The hunt for answers is never ending! :)

different meaning

2010-09-03T00:36:00.002+08:00

I'm looking for something deeper, something more than just fun, more than just helping. I'm looking for fulfillment.

Somehow, the things that used to bring me happiness in the past no longer put the same smile. It's a little strange, the past clique gathering, yes it's fun, but somehow, I don't feel myself fully immersed and present. For business, I managed to learned a lot more things and even got to get into partnership with another potential strong player. Yet, I don't feel the same excitement and euphoria which I used to have. Even the thought of seeing those faces that used to give me lots of laughter, can't even put a sincere smile on my face.

Your thoughts lead to your feelings which lead to your actions. It's not like I'm not taking any action, I am. But, I don't feel the fulfillment. WHY?

I'm looking for answers. Answers within myself and that is eluding from me out there.

life

2010-08-31T23:43:00.002+08:00

We learn, we fall, we succeed, then we end.

It's a cycle. Or so it was said to be. It's funny how after you've given up on certain ideals, philosophies and especially, people and groups, you suddenly realized you are different person. I ain't sure if I'm making the right choice giving up this core group of people, this particular person and also these ideals and beliefs. What lies ahead, I wish I know. But I know, this phrase will keep me going. It's been etched into my heart for some unknown reason.

"Everything happens for a reason. And for every door that closes, a new one will open."

Time to stop staring at the closed door and begin opening the new door my friend! :) Oh, I'm taking part in humourous contest on 18 Sept at Toa Payoh Central CC, 1.30pm! Do come down to support if you are free on that day. I'm representing my CC to compete among others. So lend me your ears and laughters! Sms me if you are coming because seats are limited!

new word

2010-08-31T02:31:00.002+08:00

Nothing beats experiencing what a new word means. And today, I've learnt a new word which I'm so proud of - "collate".

First day of school and there were massive printing to do. Couldn't quite believe my classmates were all so enthusiastic about printing the entire semester stuff in one day with the crazy long queue. That wasn't it, everything was fine until it was time to split the notes and someone realized, hey, why didn't we collate before printing. Spent nearly 2h sorting out the notes among 5 people. Only thankful we had tons of time in between the lectures which allowed us to "kill" time. Lol.

What a way to start off the semester! Learning a new word! I'm now damn pro at this word! :)

messed up

2010-08-27T02:30:00.003+08:00

Life has been pretty messed up for the past 2 months. Gearing for directions, sudden winning of Humourous Speech Contest, helping out in shop and always screwing up my biological and usual schedule. Still, I felt that these past 2 months have been a great learning experience for me.

When you learn to hit new low, you learn to hit higher highs.

And so, I not too sure why, but somehow I felt an instant connection with Darren LaCroix. Many times when I was down, there were this group of fantastic people who are always there to support, guide and help me. Without them, I ain't too sure where I'll be today.

Of course, it's nice to share this story with this particular friend, but oh well, we will see how things turn out. Still attempting to find time to go out with this person. Life just doesn't cease to surprise me every single day, with surprises and...fears. :)

interesting

2010-08-12T23:26:00.002+08:00

This is my new catch word recently. Especially when I'm at a loss for words. So when you hear this word, you know it's my cue that I've nothing to say and I need you to continue talking.

Went to school today to "support" the YOG torch bearer, with some ballons and yeah, crazy crazy people. Both Celine and I agreed, HI people are damn noisy, store power during tuition because those tutees are HI, so after tuition, all the stress released in the form of crazy noises and people laughing.

Where to go next? CCA is pretty much stuck in some way. The fact that I didn't want to take up more responsibility because I'm tired of disappointing people again. Passed up the offer to be Centre Head, contemplating of quitting the CCA to join SIFE. When I heard about the commitment for SIFE, I almost died. It's even worse than joining HI. Lol. So yeah, think I'll tone down next sem, just focus on the toastmaster matters and yeah, study and more play! :) Erm, I mean more fun. Lol.

A talk with my dad last night made me realized that many more things about him. He's humble, filled with rich experiences and caring is like an understatement. I realized that it's like he's a role model for me & I didn't realize it all this while until after a couple of lecturing from him recently.

The lack of understanding on my part has led to many problems at home. I'm only thankful that the absent of one worker is a blessing in disguise. Though I get much less time sleeping, I've been down in the shop more often than in my past 2o years.

An article, a lecture and a heart to heart talk, has shaped my life. I came across this article talking about energy leak and why people procrastinate and slack when they know they should be doing such stuff. I then began to realize it's the same stuff that has been preached to me by all those personal development gurus just that it didn't quite strike the bell.

"When the student is ready, the master will appear."

How true! My master is just sleeping in the next room in my house. Perhaps it's time to step up as a son, sealed up those leaks and bridge the gap. It runs in the blood. It's continuing another person's ambition. It's no longer about me now, it's about us. Time to take over this small business and apply those skills I've learnt from MiE to good use.

new found answers

2010-08-07T22:18:00.002+08:00

Today started off pretty bad. Had only 3h of sleep. Apart from the sleep debt, I was being smacked by an unknown customer who claims to be "friendly". This auntie is sincerely getting on my nerves when she went even further to slap my face. At first, I told her to back off because it's very rude to slap a person's face, regardless of the reason. Then she took it as a joke and slapped again. This time, I was really on fire. I told her in a very calm and serious tone that it's very rude. I swear one more slap from her I would have shouted at her, no, I reckoned I would explode on her with all my vulgarities vocabulary, which I feel is quite limited, but at the end of the day, it's the volume that counts right? :) (*hint: learning to add humour when I'm angry, need to prepare for the next level of humourous contest)

Typing that still makes me angry, but I learnt to forgive and forget. Dozed off twice during tuition for Aaron today. Only thankful that it was a very short doze. I'm pretty sure that Aaron noticed, but I didn't know why it didn't occur to me to explain to him about my situation and apologize (until now). I sure am slow sometimes.

Then, I was very lost and confused between 7pm till 9pm. Literally, mentally and emotionally. I was a little disoriented due to the lack of sleep and I've to finished the curry that I asked the maid to cook because it can't be eaten the next day. =/

In every seed of adversity, there lies and equal opportunity of greatness. I have never felt a sense of calmness for such a long time. I've been walking, searching and looking for the answer. Finally, it's here. In fact, it was with me all the while. I've simply forgotten how powerful it is. I saw new light when I read the book, "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari". Still in the midst of it, but I felt a sense of serenity washed over me. I've never felt so...secured in such a long time.

And there's this particular person I would like to share. For the first time, when I talked to this person, I felt like I'm totally in sync with the person's frequency. Looking for opportunity to ask the person out and hopefully, can build a long lasting relationship from there.

很多事情不是单靠感情，努力或策略就能达成的。有时也要靠一点运气，天时地利人和，缺一不可。还有一样非常重要的是缘分。

一切随缘吧！

changes

2010-08-06T00:41:00.003+08:00

Your love life is sizzling right now -- or it should be. If you're inexplicably single or just broke up, you may need to force yourself to meet new people, if only to get a sense of what's possible.

Interesting enough, just when I thought it's time to change, things start to change too. Many times, I've dreamed of having such achievements, status and goals. I was feeling very lost, literally, physically and spiritually.

I was finding my direction for Serangoon Stadium. James was supposed to have a training session today, but when I finally got there, I didn't see him there. Of course, I continued with my own training preparing for my IPPT.

This evening, planning of giving up, but there are many signs and ideas telling me that I should on to the achievements I've just gotten. It feels stressful to be bearing the name of an established club. In addition, I'm a total new bird in this area and to compete in a higher level, it feels totally frightening. Worthy of being in the next phase of challenge, I sincerely don't think so. Yet, am I that coward to face the next level of challenge?

My only wish now is to have you listen to what I've to say. It's interesting to know you sound, act and feel so close yet so far at the same time.

Teach me, guide me,

For I'm new in this field.

Love me, support me,

For I'm nothing without them.

Humble me, fumble me,

For I need to keep myself in check.

Laugh with me, walk with me,

For I yearn the company I so desire.

prizes

2010-08-04T00:45:00.002+08:00

Have you come across time when you got something so great but you know you don't quite deserve it? Well, this evening is one of those nights.

Honestly, I don't know if I quite deserve the champion position in the humourous speech contest this evening. Firstly, the theme of the speech was leveraged from another champion speaker last year and I don't feel very proud using other people's materials. As much as I've adapted it to my own context, the speaker I leveraged on was talking about his wife while mine was about school work and scoldings from my mom. I wasn't well prepared to say the least. I was still referring to the notes and guess what's the outcome? Out of the 5 speakers, I came in first for the humourous contest! OMG!

Of course, I feel proud of myself. Yet, on deeper reflection, I reckon this prize should go to someone more deserving. Perhaps I was given a second chance to work on the script. I'm feeling rather stressed now because I now have to represent my club to go for the area contest. Stress...

The pictures were posted on FB. You can view them there. :)

There's another thing I want to talk about. Not sure if I'm right about this, but if everything goes smoothly, I believe my life will be changed after I've done the right things. Shall keep things a secret first.

Oh, I've given out majority of the cards. Left Cher's one. Hmm....when will she be free to collect. *hint hint*

Time to hit the bed Tin Man. God is giving you a second chance to prove yourself at the area level. Keeping my fingers crossed, more work to be done! Cheers!

choices

2010-07-26T22:03:00.002+08:00

There is a choice and you know that the outcome is going to be disappointed? Will you continue to make this choice?

I invited someone who said he/ she was keen to learn more about stocks. Right from the start, I know this person isn't truly committed to learn the full details of it. He/she said it because of convenience, spur of moment and sudden interests. I don't know the real reason behind those words, but I know, I still stayed behind to wait for this person to bring him/ her down to the workshop venue even though we are going to be late. True enough, I sensed that this person was having second thoughts and this person asked me if the time spent was going to be productive. I nearly fell off my chair when I heard this question. Learning to expand my horizon, stretch beyond your comfort zone and be forgiving.

Then I came to another learning point while on the train. I can give and don't expect anything in return, but I realized that was not the root problem. The root problem was, after giving so much, I didn't reserve enough for myself. Or put it in another way, I didn't replenish myself. How to replenish then?

Replenishments comes in different forms that ultimately based on the beholder's perception. This makes me want to learn 佛经 even more. After the meet up with my lecturer on possible opportunity to work together, I realized I'm playing a different ball game now. I want to be focused. And I want to be committed. And now, i reckoned I can be committed into two things now.

(1) Stock investment research

(2) Toastmaster

Where this will lead me to in future, I don't really care already. I revamped my dream board and I'm leaving it blank for now. A camp coming up on Wednesday. Hopefully I can get some insights through the camp.

furstration

2010-07-25T00:20:00.002+08:00

The salvation of man is through love and in love. --- Viktor's Frankl

For all that there were, are and would be, I take full responsibility. --- Unknown (forgotten)

I saw this video & I cried.

Suddenly, the old thought came to mind. Then I realized, it doesn't solve any problem at all. I feel so helpless and stupid all of a sudden.

It's no longer about talking, I've been doing that internally all the time. There were no answers. It's time to sit down and review each and every single piece once again.

I wonder why we need to keep reviewing this and keep things in check all the time. If only we too, can program our basic thinking process and perception and fix it there forever.

An arduous process,
Born to help,
Yet if unknown,
Will serve to kill,
No lives per se,
But your very hopes and dreams,
And when you realized it,
Your meaning and desire is gone.

Just need some breathing space and time to rethink certain things through.

Things fall apart so they can fall together. A phrase that has been etched in my mind once it came across to me for the very first time. My next question, what happens when the things don't fall together and were continued to be in pieces? What then?

renewal

2010-07-23T01:17:00.001+08:00

All along, I thought I had it all planned out in some way or another. Even if I did't know what to do, I would go and find out what I need in order to achieve what I set out to do.

But what happens when what you need is not there, and better yet, what you don't know is your own set of direction. I must say I'm surprised I'm caught pants down, totally, after going through a business discussion with my lecturer today. Most of the questions he asked me, more of the vision questions, much of which, I do not have an answer. Only an overview of what is to be. The discussion was accompanied by his other colleagues and I realized the bulk of the time, the conversation was about something else.

I reckon it's about time not only to do some reflections per se, but also to seriously look ahead of what is to come/ not to come. I've chose to close some doors, some of which I'd thoroughly enjoyed the journey and I sincerely wish to continue. I've shut myself out from other distractions which could taken away time from my family, friends and my true passion and love. Yet, when faced with the truth of what I've in mind for my dream, how big and how it is going to work out, I am absolutely clueless. For that, I felt so ashamed of myself for the first time. It's like I've been mocked by my own words, with all the stupid laughters going on and a deja vu feeling. The feeling of back into the woods once again.

I wish I could have the courage that this girl mustered to go all the way to fly 5,000 miles to speak her thought, passion and future.

At least, one thing I know for sure. I'm only so good and there's more training and learning for me to grow. That much, I'm proud of and I'm always learning. Yet, when results were to prove the learning curve, I've nothing there to show. A serious joke of my life to say the least. A huge mockery of the promise I once held to myself.

Go for the million, not what it could bring you, but what it will make of you. --- Jim Rohn

Do I sincerely have what it takes? Or it's just an assholes attempting to reach for the sky when he's sunk down at the basement?

Time will tell...

dizzy

2010-07-14T00:12:00.002+08:00

Finished watching a show on Chan 8. It was talking about a volunteer who spent his life helping those disaster-hit villagers, especially those orphans. Throughout the entire show, I was watching, crying and eating at the same time. Lol.

Then I heard this song playing on my media player and it suddenly caught onto me. It was a classic piece and I just can't get enough of it, especially after some shit I went through today. It put me in a very relaxed state.

So I went on to research more on jazz and guess what, I think for the next couple of days, I'm going to listen to jazz for a while. It reminds me of the times when I'm at the hotel lounge/ lobby or a very classy place enjoying the company of CKP, red wine and yes, of course the ambiance. :)

Regarding the shit, it was about a double deduction by Furama hotel, once over the net via Asiaroom online booking and another when I checked in at the reception. Ming was really agitated and pissed while I was very drained and appeared nonchalant. After which, we managed to clear up, but got to monitor the deduction closely as one was paid via debit, the other via credit.

I'm surprised (& glad) subsequently, Ming messaged and apologized for speaking in harsh tone. I too played a part in making him agitating for being so nonchalant. Only thankful all these cleared and we're still a family.

I would like to end off today's post with something that I sincerely felt from the bottom of my heart today. From feeling excited about the business ideas to the fears of getting good team mates for the projects (real business projects that really makes profit!), from feeling drained after a long day in the meeting to feeling loved at night drawn exuded from the show and Ming, I think life is great, even though it's really short. And so, enjoy this last piece of song for today. :)

crazy day

2010-07-12T23:39:00.003+08:00

Today's a great and crazy day. I don't know why, but somehow I starting to see the things coming together. A sense of relief and ecstasy if I may say.

I woke up late again today. Missed world cup in the hope to wake up early. But somehow, I realized it takes a little more discipline and mind control. Still the rest of the day was a real battle of temptations and hard work.

I finished those things I've set up to do today. Though still a little behind time by about an hour, I'm proud to say I complete 90% of the work, with of course, a game stuck in between. :)

This conversation somehow got stuck in my mind.

"I feel that I'm not ready for a relationship because I don't feel myself responsible enough for one." --- Person 1

"This kind of thing is something you learn along the way. Who first day will be responsible and say I'm ready for a relationship?" --- Person 2

Guess which one was me. :)

If you know which position I'm taking you'll be amazed at the growth in such a simple conversation. Enough said, back to slumber land and yes, despite wanting to support Netherlands for a good team play, Spain did a fantastic job scoring that awesome goal. ;)

celebration

2010-07-12T01:53:00.002+08:00

Just came back from an exciting celebration for Clifton. A totally brand & fresh new idea, staying over at a hotel! :) So shiok! The night would have been better if there was soccer also, but oh well, we had our htht. Nothing beats having a good family time together.

Pictures will be uploaded on facebook once I've my hands on those pictures. As for this week, it's going to be hell week. I think I will have to juggle between my next project script, research and of course, helping out in shop. This is going to be a tough week, we shall see what the new me will be able to do then.

Time to recover from the crazy and memorable celebration! It's heartwarming and heartening to be part of such a great family of love and joy. Gratified to be part of CKP!

gratitude letter

2010-07-08T21:10:00.002+08:00

Finally done with the gratitude letters! Yes! After like 2 months? Lol. Not that it's a long list of people to write to, just that I found it difficult to write so kinda procrastinate a little. There's one special person's one I wrote in Chinese. I would love to see the person's response when the person sees it. Lol.

In any case, I was chatting with my sister about relationship. Rather interesting. I was talking about my pursuit for this girl, who happens to give me a lot of room to stretch and grow myself. Always staying home, not very keen on talking and if I'm not wrong, attempted to avoid me for a period of time until I managed to redeem myself a little. An advice from sis, if the girl you asked out declined you 3 times, better not to ask further. Well, I already decided on that prior to the advice, so the advice kinda gave me more confidence that I made the right choice.

Pardon me, but it got NOTHING to do with the FB status. It was something that some people too bored, went to change it and yeah, got such a HUGE response. 16 comments & increasing (I think). Crazy shit man, never expected such a huge response. But it was something new. Was it fun? I don't know how to put it, it's not exactly very fun, neither is it boring. What am I talking? :s

Time to resume the research. Just some food for thought. How would you call a person whom you treat and love as a family member, is not one and at the same time, you feel distant and foreign to this person?

What a complicated shit I'm in! Yawnz. If things were as easy as black and white.

Productivity

2010-07-08T18:21:00.003+08:00

Again, learn from the truth. The truth always hurt and it never lies. This is it and it's time to move on.

I woke up late in the morning again. To be precise, it was more like afternoon,1pm. Life has been really slack, but I did manage to complete what I intended to complete. Financial status update (which sadly drop by nearly 20% for the last 2 months due to zero income), portfolio management update (which also drop because of the May downturn) and I took a 2h break to watch Transporter 3. :)

Working on to finish up the gratitude cards and half of the magazine this evening. Still working to increase the productivity to 6h. Realized I hit the goal yesterday. It's a sense of accomplishment. Like what Jim Rohn said:

It's easy to do and not to do.

Taking simple and baby steps to improving myself and bringing myself back to where I was before and during the MiE period. Not expecting much, but hopefully, with simple and little changes everyday, I may someday reach where I wish to go. ;)

improvement

2010-07-08T00:17:00.002+08:00

There have been some great improvement today. I did manage to increase my productivity by say, erm, 300%? Ok, that figure looks damn huge, but it's mainly because I've been to relaxed and slacked in the past. Bottom line, increased my working hours from 1h to 3h. Nothing much to brag about.

As for dreamboard, it's more or less done. Ok, less than more. Either way, I don't think I'll be posting it up online. It's like a draft copy, will improve on it and once it's ready, it'll be posted then.

I reckoned that's all for today. Time to hit the bed and wake up to watch my show tomorrow.

disillusioned

2010-07-07T00:10:00.002+08:00

When you stay in a place for too long, you begin to get disillusioned.

This was one of the table topic question (from Braddell Heights Toastmaster) that I heard when I attended today's meeting. It was cool. And I realized that today was super crazy. Another day of reflection, only difference this time, I made a couple of new friends.

Friend 1 - Vision

I saw the vision of myself enjoying the crowd's applause, soaking in and enjoy the short moment of appreciation and gratitude of a great speech given.

Friend 2 - Joy

I learnt to enjoy the process more so than feeling stress now. I realized that it's through this pressure cooker that I learn to perform better, grow and more importantly, improve! Love it, hate it, DO IT! ;)

Friend 3 - Pisard

First two was imaginary friends, but this one's for real. He's one of the pioneers of BH Toastmaster and he shared that he brought the club attendance from strength of 23 all the way till 90+! OMG! So big that it had to increase from 1 meeting a month, to 4 meetings a month by the end of the year. Better still, it had to split up the group because of the HUGE crowd. That is something that I envision what I would like to be doing and I felt totally recharged and re-inspired after hearing him sharing.

Friend 4 - Inspiration

Because of Pisard, I begun to smile to myself again. I'm no longer in fear like the past few days. I'm now living in the light, that I felt more motivated to achieve something that what other people say that it's impossible to do.

To change the world, you must first be the change you wish to see.

To lead, to serve and not to yield (quoted from OBS)

As always, I didn't fulfill my own promise that I set out to do of the dreamboard. I reckon I got disillusioned at the start, but not today.

July the 7th, this will be the day of change. I had enough of all those bullshits. It's no longer about mindset, others or the environment. It's all about actions, actions and actions now. Quit screwing around and start working Tin Man!

Screw It, Let's Do It! (adapted from the title of Richard Brandson)

ponder

2010-07-06T02:32:00.002+08:00

There are still many things I still don't quite understand. There are still so much fear running deep within. The body has been acting very awkward recently as well. I don't know how to describe it exactly. I think most probably I need to do some detoxing and there's definitely one thing more I need to do.

The fear...

The need to understand...

And more importantly...the why.

Life is short. Meeting up with DY and Sze Yong today did open up a lot of things I've yet to discover and learn. Perhaps it's time to do some soul searching and deep pondering again. More food for thoughts as usual.

mirror

2010-07-05T01:09:00.002+08:00

The mood sets in again. To be reflecting of what this life can afford in such a short lifespan. What life can offer and what I can offer to life. The dreams, the visions, the legacy. Still attempting to find the dots to connect.

There are so many things I wanted to do, so many dreams I would like to achieve, so many great people I would like to meet and more importantly, so many places I would love to visit and travel.

Yet, if things were to turn awry and things didn't turn out the way it is, I must thus far, I've did my best and I've no regrets. Even though I know I can achieve more, I also know, as of my current standard, I can only go so far and so don't expect much.

So tired of saying that it's time for change. So tired of hearing I'm renewed and re-inspired. Tired because I know not that it doesn't work, but because the lack of action to translate the thoughts into actions. What then is the best way to do that?

I'll say it out loud on my dreamboard. And so, I shall begin redesigning my life tomorrow and I will post it online again tomorrow. For tomorrow, it's declaration day!

backlog

2010-07-04T02:28:00.002+08:00

It felt like ages since I last blogged. Well, maybe it really has been ages, then again who's reading? Who knows? Honestly, I don't really care anymore. I'm thinking of going back to the good old days where I used to write my journals. It feels more personal and yeah, I tend to write a lot more personal things to it. Perhaps this will be converted into something more tangible like my business blog or something.

When one door closes, the other opens.

Did I mention I'll be stopping my CCA in RSPHI? Yeah, have been giving a lot of thoughts into it. My primary concern was that it seems like I've got a lot nicer friends from my CCA than my academic friends. Perhaps it's the involvement and sense of commitment to be present. Or perhaps it's the activities that were involved. Then again, I'm pretty glad I made the choice not to proceed further in some ways. Because of such a choice made...

I'll be going into my Toastmaster full force, aka, I'll be joining the NTU Inspire Toastmaster Club and yes, I found a CCA which I feel more akin to. SIFE NTU. It's a new CCA coming up, and it's about social entrepreneurship. Oh, and if time permits, I think I won't mind joining the school Salsa dance club too! :)

As for CEE club, I reckon I'll join in term 2, after I'm done with my EN105 project. Speaking of which, I'm through with MiE (till 104 at least). Yeah~! My great long anticipated holidays just begun! :)

Things to do:
(1) Shopping
(2) Writing of the gratitude cards
(3) Meeting up with CKP
(4) Tying up JPF administration matters
(5) Dreamboard! (roar!)
(6) Research on trading
(7) Reading!!! :)

And I'm also through with ML's video. So decided to wrap things up too. And in doing so...I managed to see other opportunities open as well in JWEF (Junior World Entrepreneurship Forum). I'm beginning to believe, the dreamboard is coming true. The entrepreneurial and supportive girl is on the way. As what the Secret says, Ask, Believe and Receive. When chance arises, I'll seize it. That much I can promise. :)

journey

2010-06-06T00:37:00.002+08:00

I think I've done enough of running.

I think I've done enough of thinking.

I think I've done enough of sleeping.

It's time...to really wake up the damn bloody idea of mine.

I've been running...

away from the fears....

I've of life...

I've of rejections...

I've of disappointments...

I've of seeing you...

I'm not sure why, I just felt so disconnected recently. I can't seem to see the reasons for being so. Not even seeing CKP today seem to really perk anything up. Am I just too jaded with all the things going on?

I though getting into MiE was what I wanted. Entering, I realized that it did stretch my thinking, increased my knowledge and contacts, yet at the end of the day, it didn't quite fulfil what I've in mind.

I supposed it's time to spill what's going on in my mind for the past few weeks. I always wanted to blog, but it's either the lack of time or lack of discipline.

Unfinished Business

The gratitude card, still some undone. I've given out to Celine, Mabel & Rommel. Surprisingly, I haven't write for Boon Piang. Lol. Are you angry? But...I've bought the postage stamp for Australia. So I reckon I'll write it asap?

I have yet to clear out my thoughts for ML (& her CD too). It feels crappy to be seeing her so often & yet I'm not able to give the things I supposedly "owe" her. Damn...this feels so sucky.

Getting in touch with Ivory to catch up with her is so difficult recently. Not too sure why, just hope that everything is well on her side.

And I've yet to do my shopping! OMG, finding time to go shopping during MiE is so hard, just praying I'll get the time to go get the things I really really need!

Need to organize more classes for PG again. Funds running low. Lol. Prices in stocks have been falling like crazy, a little regretted not exiting earlier resulting a (paper) loss. Damn, left like $120 in bank to survive till I get to work again, which is only going to happen end of June? Sigh...

Recent happenings

The MiE took a drastic turn the last week. What I thought was a great team, suddenly turned so dramatic and conflicting. Found out that Michael(MJ) has a thing for Liying, unfortunately, she doesn't have a feeling for him. Lol. And the both of them got head to head during the project work. On top of that, MJ got on everyone's nerves as the week progresses. The supposed "patient" man, aka me "claimed" by Germaine (team cap), couldn't quite stand him.

Stepping up in toastmaster commitment and intention of taking part in humourous speech contest in August. A little funny, considering I'm someone who's all serious and little sense of humour learning how to crack jokes. Installation (aka handing over of baton) will be happening next week and I'll part of the exco team. Ain't sure if I'm up to the standard, will do my best; just keeping my fingers crossed that I can do a good job.

RSPHI "I Hear You" event. As the chief biz mag, I think the sourcing for sponsorship was a fiasco. Had a great plan, yet, the execution was like shit. I was asked if I wanted to run for Centre Head (CH), but looking at my past commitments and achievements in the CCA, I don't think I deserve to be sitting there. It's better to let someone else with better capabilities run the centre. So Celine, 靠你了. Haha.

Oh, the most recent one, which is today! Sze Siew's birthday celebration. Haha. I'm pretty impressed with Clifton's organization and planning. He did a fantastic job for his GF today. I truely salute people like him who goes through all the trouble to do so many invitations to people whom he doesn't know. If it were me, I think I'll most probably have done a pretty bad job. Lol.

Inner thoughts

Time to throw out the feelings I've been harbouring deep within for a LONG while. No, not harbouring any affections for anyone or anything. Just the same stuff.

The thought of death resonates deeper stronger and deeper within me. Not that I want to kill myself or anything, rather, the thoughts of the purpose and meaning of life. I thought I was one of those weird ones who used death as a mirror to learn and appreciate life, apparently, there's another famous author out there who's running on the same philosophy, Mitch Albom, author of The 5 People You Meet In Heaven. I read his book before, but I didn't know he thinks similarly. It rocks to know there are someone out there who appreciates death too.

The reason I brought this up was there were 2 incidents that jolt me to this train of thoughts and asking myself on a deeper level why I should continue living and what am I truely here for.

Incident 1

I was on my way to Tampines to meet Sze Yong for a movie. On the way there, the train was came to a stand still for around 1h. This was what happened:

I met Jayden to pass him my marketing notes at Bedok station. After I passed it to him, I returned to the platform intending to head towards Tampines. When I reached the platform, I hurried to the end of the platform away from the crowd. Without warning, I heard a very loud horn from the train. Shortly after, I heard someone screaming. I turned around and saw a group of people were crowding around a section of the train. I turned around and walked towards the crowd. I took a look at the train track to find out what's happening. I wasn't very surprised to see what's on the track - a rather bloody body in the middle of the track.

The next thing I knew, my legs carried me away from the scene and walked towards the exit of the station. The only thing I'd in my mind was I was late for my show in Tampines. While waiting at the bus stop, I overheard other pedestrians who witnessed what happened. A lady was talking to a group of pedestrians saying that she saw the man jumping onto the track. She got the shock of her life. She said that the guy "jumped onto the track like he was jumping into the swimming pool". I thought that description was rather awkwardly funny. Such a serious event got turned into something so...but she mentioned it with a very serious tone. Then one old man said that that guy who jumped most probably faced some challenges in life and couldn't find any help and support.

This was what he said,"有时候，人生就是这样。一个人如果过不了这关，又找不到帮忙，变会走都无路。若他有朋友帮忙，可能他可以过了这关。" On the bus ride to Tampines Mall, this statement kept ringing and ringing in my head. At some point in life, I too, was wondering if it's better to exit than to go on. I must say I was very fortunate to talk to Boon Piang and her strong words pierce right through that bubbles of exiting life. I then looked back, if I'd done what the guy did, would I be happier? Or was I just as selfish as the guy who only thought about himself and lost the considerations for others who care for him, not to mention the innocent travellers on the train.

And so, I kept quiet about his incident and brushed it aside. Not knowing this incident actually built a foundation for the next incident.

Incident 2

My grandpa passed away last week, in the midst of my MiE. I took a day's leave from school to attend his funeral and cremation. It was a one day wake, he passed away on Sunday night and the cremation was on Wednesday. I got to know about it from my cousin who's still in army on msn. Initially, my cousin asked me if I'm going for the wake, I thought he spoke to the wrong person. After that, when he told me that grandpa passed away, I still can't quite believe the fact. I was in the midst of my project meeting when he told me the piece of news on msn. I didn't know what to expect or react. I was just stunt momentarily. I then left the conversation room and called my mom to confirm.

She was surprised I didn't know grandpa's passing. I wanted to be angry at her for not telling me, but then I realized I wasn't even home often the past week and she didn't have many chance to talk to me. I'm just angry at her when she finally told me that when grandpa was transferred from TTSH to old folks home, the doctors said he didn't have much time left and have to prepare. She withheld that piece of information from me and I was very depressed and angry at her for that.

I took a breather after the call. I asked myself, if I'd knew this information, would there be any difference in the way I talk to him and frequency of meeting him at the old folks' home? Possibly I would have said something more, possibly I would have gone there as and when I'm free. Then again, I'm in the midst of MiE, can I make much of a difference?

I then realized, information does distort a person's mind. They give false impressions, believes and opinions. For a moment, I was quite lost. When I broke the news to my group mates that I'll be away the following day for the wake, they were very understanding and supportive. On the way back, Germaine was telling me she understood how I felt. She said that it was a loss and it's a painful process. The funny thing was, I felt nothing. It was the same thing when grandma passed away. I felt...nothing. No sadness, no anger, no feelings. Void.

During the cremation, everyone was weeping except for me. I began to acknowledge that the fairy tale of Tin Man was indeed true. I took the rest of the day pondering on mindless things and ya, sleeping. To catch up on the sleep debt for the week and escape from the reality for a moment. I'm feeling guilty not that I didn't do much when he was alive; rather, I can't believe I gave a weird analogy to Germaine and I'm a little ashamed of myself. Not only that, I also felt like I couldn't quite connect with the feelings that was lying deep within. It's like I don't exactly have a heart to feel anything.

Am I afraid of being vulnerable and so I've shut the feelings aside or am I just a weird person who can't feel anything. Recently, these signs of inability to connect is concerning me. When others felt happy to be done with the project, I felt like, oh, it's done, ok. Let's go home to sleep then. When CKP was happy and feeling loved, I was like, oh, ok, I loved you too.

It feels so fake and weird...so to speak. It's like, I just want to get over this part and head over to the next phase of life. I felt like the following song resonates identically to what I'm going through right now. Everything of the song. It's a sad song, depicting in a very humours manner. Is this how my life is going to be...? Hmm...only time can tell.

many many things...

2010-05-28T20:02:00.002+08:00

There are so many things I want to say.

There are so many things I want to do.

There are so many places I want to visit.

There are so many people I want to catch up and chill with.

Time...

Work...

Attitude...

Efficiency....

I'm a little tired. I think little is an understatement considering what I've been through for these past 2 weeks. Today's a public holiday and I'm still in school doing project for MiE. Last night, in retrospect, I realized the goals within me are like fishes...

On certain days, they swim towards me, bringing along with them great buddies like ideas, opportunities, friends and networks. Yet, there are also days where the fishes slipped by me and made me feel so empty within.

For now, I don't wish to talk about those 2 matters. It's a little too gloomy and dark for this hour. I'm just going to take a break from it and focus on my work.

Maybe I should just do that and take my own advice. It's time to really sit down, map out and understand what Tin Man truely represents and find my TYS in life.

quickie

2010-05-13T23:17:00.002+08:00

Just a quick update. So many things have been happening recently that I'm losing track of many things. Haha. Well, in some ways, it's a good sign that I'm making full use of my time! :) (of course some are productive stuff, some not so...haha)

In any case, MiE has started. I was initially pretty dubious about my decision in joining after my selection, but now, looking at today's progress and what I've learnt and the network of people I've just made, I felt that it was the right decision despite the shit I'm about to expect in the near future.

Well, as for the gratitude cards, thus far, only written 1.5. Still have 4.5 more to go. Yikes, I'm so behind time...

secret

2010-05-06T01:06:00.002+08:00

It felt like for the first time in my entire life, I am at one with myself.

I felt peace this evening. Not peace from the fact that the exams are over (ok, maybe it's part of it), but more essentially, I felt like I finally understood this statement.

The secret will forever remain a secret to those who never understand it.

I was blinded a for a long while, many times thinking I already knew the answer, until obstacles and challenges humbled me with so many unknowns and changes. The very fact that when I saw myself in action, I realized that I'm nothing more than a baby at this game of life. There is more to learn than what I've already learned.

And so the process of unlearning and relearning will take place again.

At the beginning of the year, I prayed these things.

(1) Wisdom
(2) Strength
(3) Character
(4) Relationships
(5) Finances

Looking back, for the past 5 months, I've been focusing a lot on the last one. Making sure I was making the "right" move in my stock market. I did see some positive results and I'm really happy with it. Now, taking up Minor in Entrepreneurship, I'm hoping it'll be my next milestone in life.

Asked and you shall received.

Wisdom
And so it was bestowed upon me. In more ways than I could imagine. Through these challenges, I've a very honest friend who wasn't afraid to tell me straight in the face that I truely suck to the core. And having such honesty, I must sincerely thank this person. For without this person simple and profound words, I would not have been able to see the light out of this crappy shit.

This person stood by me almost every time I needed help. It's like the stars, you'll never know it's shinning there for you until you look up at the sky. And sometimes, when the storms are in, it doesn't mean that the stars are not there. It just means that you'll not be seeing it for a while, but it'll always be shinning there whether you see it or not.

And from this person, I'm truely humbled and honoured to be your friend. You possess great wisdom beyond my comprehension. Many times, I "thought" I'd more knowledge than you, but I was half correct, I'd more theory, you had more experience.

The day you learned to make non-regrettable mistakes in life, is the day you have matured.

This friend, in many ways, helped to mature and grow. It's time to drop the name calling of some walls in Germany and respect who you really are. Thanks Boon Piang! :)

Strength
I sought for strength and I always shown many times throughout this year. And when the occasions arose to test me, I failed each time.

My mom was hospitalized earlier in the year but still, she remained strong and continue to go about her duties like normal days. She even continued her passion job despite her injured limb. She never fails to amaze me with her inner strength.

My sister was another great person I respect. She'd some major life challenges last year and this year, she continued to battle on. It's not something you can easily forget, but it's definitely something you know once you've overcome it, you'll be a stronger person. And she's in the process of healing. It takes great courage and strength to undergo this process, and thus far, she has been coping very well.

I'm truely proud of the two women in my family.

Character
One person best describes this in her own way. I never knew I will find such people in my life who are so strong with their own style, apart from my dad.

This person has been working since she was in her secondary school or college, and till now, she's still working while studying. One thing I couldn't quite fathom how she juggles it so well and yet remain so flamboyant about her daily activities. Another person who constantly awes me with ideas and I must say, one of the most spontaneous one I've ever met. And I'm also proud she's also inside my inner circle of friends. Apart from Boon Piang, she's the next star I see in my life.

Thanks Ivory showing me your life of character and how to stay proud of who you are and fight for your beliefs.

Two other people I wished to thank, but I don't want to spoil the surprises here. I promised myself I would write them a note. So, I'll be doing so. :)

Relationships
Both in terms of BGR (if possible) and friendship. Of which, I managed to go the latter first. MOC, besides CKP and SA bros, has gradually risen among the ranks of close friends. Though not everyone in the group I'm really close to, but I feel a sense of connection with these folks. I must admit though, I felt closer to Jasper & Celine as compared to the rest, so I reckoned, these two will also remain as prominent players in shaping my life.

I'm reconnecting again with my ex-boss in army. Hoping to take this opportunity to learn some life lessons from him, just like what Jim Rohn taught me. A very capable and manageable leader in my unit, and so, it's time to wipe the dust off my notebook and restart the habit of taking notes. Only this time, it's from a live person with more interactions. ;)

And so, that concludes the sharing for this evening. I wished to share more, but most probably tomorrow. I'll be uploading some photos that have been LONG overdue! Lol. Time to do some memory patch back and reconnect with my inner self.

When you are one with you mind, body and soul, all else fades and you will find the serenity that hides within.

Those words of wisdom are just plain words until you learn to appreciate and understand their meanings.

Life can't teach you be stronger and wiser without the presence of obstacles and challenges.

Mentors are you guide, not only in the field you are in, but also in the game of life.

And so I humbly thank all those who have made a significant impact in my life and I wished that someday, I could just be like the picture below....

to glow among the horizons and shed light to those who seek it.

new day

2010-05-01T23:35:00.003+08:00

Again, I started this day late again. Woke up at erm, 12.30pm? Haha. It's labour day after all, so I do deserve some rest don't I? Waking up without breakfast sure feel very empty, that's the one down side I didn't like about waking up late.

Managed to cover 2 chapters of Life Science. Currently clarifying my doubts with Berlin, who willingly offered to help. Thanks Berlin! :)

Things have been moving quite smoothly today, surprisingly. I did not continue sleeping (weather was too humid), so only managed to spent some time brushing up my erm, Bejewel skills. Lol. The bulk of the time was with Mr Wikipedia, googling all those terms away. I'm having a tough time memorizing. It's like what Adeline mentioned before, it's easy to read and understand, just like reading stories, but when come to memorizing, it's a pain in the ass. Lol. Till now, still can't get how people get to love Bio. Lol.

Dinner was pretty awesome this evening. Went to Thai Village. :) Had one of the best meals after those "eating nearby food" for the past few weeks. Then again, it beats eating Can A food during my stint studying at old can a. Lol.

On Facebook, I'm happy that Celine finally changed her status OPENLY. Lol. Finally accepting the fact as I've always like to say. Well, those people need time to adapt, totally understand. :) And looking at those people who have already completed their exams, in some way I'm envious of them, in another, I'm also glad mine hasn't ended yet because it means I've more time to prepare for my lousy module. Unlike FE1005, which I'm really bad at and didn't have time to mug like this BS1004. Oh well, life has given me a fair deals thus far. So I'm not going to complain.

Pretty looking forward to end of all this and the beginning of my Minor! Yes! :) OBS is sort of too old for tertiary educators if you ask me, then again, it's my first time there, so I supposed it's a good experience for old people? Lol. Still don't quite understand why OBS must be incorporated into the program of MiE. Stupidity never fails to surprise me.

4 more days to freedom! And I'll be going Udders to have my delightful ice-cream! Muhaha.

bad day

2010-05-01T01:17:00.003+08:00

Sleep...

That was what I did for most of today. The best part, I couldn't focus. The notes are staring at me for the whole time while I was studying. It felt like I'm a very strong sense of urgency to study the notes, but the things just won't get into my head. I ain't pissed with myself. I just knew that I was very saturated, perhaps it was due to yesterday intense mugging. The brain just require, a day off, so to speak.

Speaking of yesterday, it was an emotional night. For the first time, I felt like I understand a lot about myself. I missed those days where I cried myself to sleep. Yes, who says guys couldn't get emotional and...drop tears. Lol.

Let's see, I supposed it started with the fact that I couldn't do the paper despite the fact that all the things tested are purely from the notes. Very little application question. And despite all the mugging, I was only able to briefly state what's going on. I was so angry with myself but I can't help it because I knew that for the whole of the past two days, I did my best. And for yesterday's module, it was the first time I'm studying. So I didn't expect much of it either. I ain't surprise if I were to fail this module, but the night before, I prayed so hard that even if I were to barely passed, I'm happy with the results. Retaking the same module is a little waste of time.

Then I'm kinda stupid in the sense I wanted to play bridge with ML. Didn't get the chance though. She wanted to play with Mabel, and she's out for an appointment. So I'd no choice but to head home straight. There was a part of me to ask myself to crash Jasper's hall again, but I didn't bring additional set of clothing.

While going home, I realized that it's like a sign. Everything came in so nicely. The fact that the Pioneer bus arrived on time while I just step foot out and the train just in time for me to board it. It's like omens telling me either this evening is not the night to see her, or I'm just fated in many ways that she may not be the one. It sounds totally absurd, but I'm a firm believer of fate. You can design your own destiny, but you can't escape from fate and the lady luck.

I don't know why, on the way home, I felt like blaming that it's fate that was at play and I wasn't able to do much. But deep down, I know I've to take responsibility for all that's happened. And so, the torrent of events begun.

I'd known that she'll be staying over at Mabel's hall, so I should have made some arrangements. I did, but I didn't have backup plan. I should have arranged to stay over Jasper's hall just in case things go bad, which in this case, Murphy's law did happen. Oh well, another learning lesson for me.

Then I don't know why, the feeling of undeserving kicks in again. The fact that I'm a nobody deserve nobody. I've no results to prove, I've decided to suddenly stop the company and ya, there's a lot of things going on. It's like I couldn't quite face the people at home any more. i can't do much, there's no results in school, no results in financial, neither can I do much at home. It's like a super useless fool walking around with absolutely zero ability to do anything. And it all boils down, not because I'm useless, but because I didn't make full use of my potential. I felt like I've disappointed those people who have placed their hopes and expectations on me. On the train, two drops of tears just suddenly rolled down from each eyes. I did my best to stop it, but oh well, they decided to take a stroll down the face. And I'm quite surprised that I'm totally helpless at those tears.

While walking home, I stared at the moon, it felt like the moon understood what I was going through, radiating a glowing light with its maximum possible intensity. It felt like I'm no longer living this life for myself, but more for the people around me. I've spoken this issue with Berlin before, but things won't quite solved. I felt like it's in vain going through all those things again with her.

When I'm finally home, my head was throbbing again. Previously, I'd this intense pain from watching tribute to Jim Rohn, that night was one of the best night ever. It's like releasing all the heartfelt gratitude within me and the head just couldn't take the immense pressure and I've to sleep with a splitting headache. Last night was, less intense, but real emotional. Lol.

Then I turned on Jim Rohn audio. It's like as if he knew what was going through my mind, the theory and philosophy which he explains, all makes sense to me. I realized that it's an ever changing world, not only outside but inside also. The fact that one day I'm all high and mighty and optimistic, the very next day I could be all down and emotional and pessimistic. It's like what I've experienced today while bathing in a flickering light.

In many ways, I'm like the flickering light, once a while you see be radiating and other times, I'm just back in my dark caves recuperating. Jim mentioned that with the ever changing world, we got to be constantly adapting. I learned to adapt to my needs within me. I then found out that my needs are always changing everyday. On certain days, love and connection was very strong. And if I don't get them, I'll be wreaking havoc inside out. On certain days, I'm all calm and just wish for serenity. Yet on other days, I want to be money-minded and glued my eyes to stock market and business senses.

It's funny. How things within me keeps changing and changing. It's like I've no particular focus on a daily basis. Hmm...maybe except for one thing. To do something. Something which I know is meaningful to myself and others. And then, I felt like I've done nothing in particular to deserve the friends I'm currently having. Especially people like CKP, Ivory and Berlin. I then realized that it's not because I don't have many close friends, but it's because I rarely share with them what I'm thinking on a very deep and personal level.

This sentence then came to me.

The depth of friendship is not about how frequently you meet each other, but how personal you share your life story with them.

Sounds rather "chim", but yeah, it's the best I could put it. I also noticed that I've learned to let people run their own lives, but I'm not there to make them like me, I'm there to help them. So many times, people come to me not because they have happy news in their lives, but because they've specific problems which need to be solved. I'm happy with that. I love to solve one problems. There was only one small problem, I got to deal with the fact that on certain days, I do require some level of attention as well. Well, those days of feeling of need and connection, when unfulfilled, brain goes hay-wired. Lol.

I also noticed that because I don't share much, only few do share their personal lives with me. As expected, only CKP and Berlin share their joy with me. I'm not complaining, I'm just glad. I'm not the "high" type of person who will go extremely happy when you are, I do my best to share the same joy as you. But on certain days, I just can't quite connect as well. It's like on those days, I'm Tin Man, without heart to feel and just wished to be left alone to do my stuff and complete my objective in life. Lol. Irony, oxymoron, weird. Whatever you want to call me, I'm ok with it. I admit myself that I am different after all.

And today, I pay the price of not fulfilling my need for conneciton last night. My brain goes blank. It's not like it's wondering else where, but blank. I tried to study, yes I did. But it failed terribly. A fiasco can't even quite describe my day today.

Morning was extremely tired. Woke up around 11+ and I thought I was late for the day. Guess what, after 15 mintues at my table, I was back in lala land again. The next thing I knew, I woke up around 1.30pm for lunch. Edwin called over and we had a talk.

Time after talk, 4pm. Sat down, attempt to study again, blank. Drank some water, watched some youtube videos and slept again. Woke up again in evening for dinner. Read some magazine, cleared my table, study again. Then it goes into blank mode. I felt like pulling my hair out. I stared at the notes, moved on and when I come back, I couldn't remember anything. Not even a single word. This day is a bad day.

So I went net surfing at then before I knew it, it's time to blog as promised. I'm seriously praying tomorrow I'll have more strength and determination to continue. It's just a final paper. So please, give me some sense of focus and urgency!

emo night.

2010-04-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

This evening is also another emotional night. Walking home with heavy feet, chin down and looking back into the past and future. The best part was I even "wasted" 2 drops of tears on train. For the first time, it ain't tears of weariness, but of sadness, shame and gratitude. I shall talk more about it tomorrow. I feel so shag from all the thinking, lousy FE1005 paper. Just hoping I can pass that paper. :)

Tomorrow will expound more on them. :) Tomorrow and no other days. As promised.

fulfilled

2010-04-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

Today is a rather fulfilling day for me.

Morning:
Mom's friend came over to help "fix" the speaker. It's been spoiled, power adapter was down. Switched to a spare speaker which I got from IT fair previously. Didn't have the time to fix it up. Well, always good to have someone to do the manual work. :)

Then spent the rest of the morning (which is around 1h left) to pack my entire room. The room aint't very big (or messy), so don't need so much time. Cleaned up some corners of the room, swept the layers of dust off and yes, it feels good.

Afternoon:
Continued to edit the information of my song lists. Spent the bulk of it editing more than doing the FE1008 paper or physics. Crap, haven't even touch physics properly. :( Also continued with few episodes of Jackie Chan Adventure. Lol.

Night:
Dinner with family as usual. Had a rather good appetite this evening though. Not too sure why either, perhaps I did a good job cleaning up my room? :) Well, here's the highlight I supposed.

ML initiated a msn convo with me!!! Lol. For bridge! My favourite. Apparently she's also addicted to this life skill game. Haha.

Just when I thought of giving in to fate and let nature takes its course, fate played a little trick on me to test my faith and strength. I then realized a weakling can't get what he/ she wants. The will must be strong. For me, the will power isn't there yet, not the part of deserving is there. So I've learned, certain things are better left unsaid. Knowing a conclusion is good enough. And I'm more than happy with it.

If there were a second chance, I'll take more risk. That was one of the statement said by those people when interviewed towards the end of their lives. Am I happy with the fact that I'm not taking any risks at the moment?

I don't know if my answer is right now the "right" answer. Only time will tell. Then again, as of now, I'm already more than happy with my life purpose in tact. Anything more, is a bonus, taken with gratitude and appreciation.

Haha. I'm still wondering why I'm laughing sheepishly to myself when I think of her? Lol.

Always wanting and looking for the right answers in life. We're so trained to look for the "model" answers, the perfect solution to all our decisions and junctures we are at.

I want to believe that the choice I made is something that I'll stick by 10 years, 20 years down the road.

And I sincerely hope I will be...

dreams

2010-04-24T22:08:00.002+08:00

I'd a (strange/ delightful/ disappointing) dream this morning. I can't find the right description for this dream. It feels...heartwarming and disappointing.

It seems like the previous day of conscious effort attempting to use the alpha wave has taken its effect on me. I supposed in wanting something so badly, I used LOA so wrongly. Just the intention alone will not work, got to take actions. I then realized that what Cher/ Berlin said was true, if you don't expect anything, why bother. Initially, it makes lots of sense. Then I realized that I can't leave things like that, I hate things with no conclusion. And so, I've decided to finish it off with the promise I so owed her. Time to round up this chapter, for the better or worse....

On a brighter note, I don't know why, but I somehow found this gem. I used to have it when I was in my prime. Then when school started, I lost everything back to nature. Now, I found it again. This time, with a second chance, I'm going to hold on to it.

The purpose in life. The answer I so longed for. I didn't found it within myself, to my surprise. I found it in another person's life story, Lance Armstrong. He was renowned for fighting cancer and still wining the Tour de France bike race. To my horror and amazement, the journey to his recovery was something that caused him to take some drastic actions. He quitted his favourite sport during the recovery phase.

I then realized, I've been doing the same thing to myself all year long (since the start of my academic journey in NTU). I've always wanted to do better in the following semester, half way through during exams, the feeling of undeserving kicks in and the entire mechanism breaks down. The perception of others suddenly changed, mood swings come and go and I lost the recognition and the guts to look at the face I see in the mirror, not to mention the faces I see everyday in my house.

The story of Jim Rohn, summary by Darren Hardy of Jim's philosophy and Lance Armstrong all have one thing in common, the purpose of life. They all found it. And now, I've found mine. It's time to make some changes and reshape certain things. Priority in check.

Full steam ahead people! :) Thanks Cher for knocking some sense in me that time. There's no need to pretend to move on. This is time is for real.

Success is not something you pursue. It's something you attract. --- Jim Rohn

ideas

2010-04-22T21:32:00.003+08:00

There are so many ideas running through my head. It's darting in every direction, from business to friendship to relationship. Then after much thoughts and processing, I realized that it's the same all the time. There were ideas, great ideas, but no actions to back them up.

Will it be different this time?

I know it won't be different if I continue my old course of actions, meaning no actions. This time, I'm taking it one step at a time. Slowly, but surely. That was what I was told.

Today's my first paper. FE1007, Maths 1. It was a rather straight forward paper, the concepts could be plug in directly, but I can't do a lot of questions. Feel so pissed at myself. It's like you know half of it, but didn't know that other half. It's crap to say the truth.

Nonetheless, I know this semester was much better than last semester, where I only know a portion of things. At least when I exited the hall, I know I've attempted the questions I know and left a real big chunk of marks on table because I didn't know how to do. This time, I feel pissed because I can only take half and I know the other half is supposed to be mine also but can't take because I didn't fulfill the requirement. Shitty...

Last night couldn't quite sleep. I'm praying I can get sufficient sleep today and wake up early to follow up on my physics. Haven't embark on my FE1005, Mat Science. Feeling duper worried about it. I got 2 D for the quizzes, one was because I skipped too many lectures and didn't know what's happening. The second was because I didn't finish studying. OMG. I hate the feeling of having to rush at the end. At least now I know, when next semester comes, I'm going to stay back in Old Can A or library to do my tutorial before heading home. That much I promise myself. :) (maybe because it's MOM that's why I fear so much...haha)

I'm not afraid to tell you this. So what? I was once a failure. Everybody knows. Failure is not about falling down, but refusing to get up after you fall down. I lost the battle once, it's time to win this war, with a better grade each time round. People say your GPA will drop as you go along the tertiary education. Time to prove the theory otherwise. :)

I'm beginning to see the link. It's never about me. It's always about the REASON. The need to prove that I'm worthy of something, not the norm, but something more...much more.

And so if I can't get the target, I know I've given my best shot. I'v no regrets. Just like what John Wooden has mentioned. :)

funny

2010-04-21T23:58:00.002+08:00

It's really funny how things get turned around in such a short period of time. I could still vividly remember I was carrying my emotional luggage with me yesterday. And today, there are still some left unpacked, but generally, things are getting lighter.

Small actions lead to small results. Small results encourages bigger actions and bigger results.

I took my small steps today. Attempting to re-gear my momentum. The short respite of 2 days has definitely given me a lot of insights about my darker side which haven't surface for a long while. It took a breather for the past few days and has certainly cost me quite a fair bit. Lost my sense of direction, gearing and momentum.

Nonetheless, I'm glad I manage to recover just before the paper tomorrow. My heart is now filled with gratitude for those who have helped me along the way. Like what John C Maxwell mentioned:

There are three categories of people who have helped me in my life.

People who don't know me but have helped shaped my life, philosophy and attitude towards life.

Tony Robbins, Jim Rhon, John C Maxwell, Jack Canfield...just to name a few.

People who know me but didn't know they have made immense impact on me.

Munling, Traces, WaiTing, CKP, SA brothers, Sze Yong, Faizal, MOC, Adam Khoo, Conrad, Alicia, Kiat Haw...

People who know me and know they have helped me in more ways than one.

BP, Ivory, Celine, Rommel, PG members...

I realized that everyday, we are going through this cycle. The cycle of destruction and reconstruction. When we start something, we're always in high spirits. Knowing the direction, the actions to take and goals to meet.

As the journey progress, it starts to get weary, things get monotone and it gets tougher. We begin to get exhausted and weigh if it's really worth the effort pursuing it. Then thoughts of failure start to fill our minds and slowly our body weakens. This is where the destruction phase begins and killed most of the strong members who couldn't bear it any longer.

However, if you live through that phase, you realized that you're once again on your way to reconstruction. Reconstruction of your dream, vision and goal. You're back to square one once again, only this time, you got more experience, knowledge and wisdom. The trick then is not to fall back into the same trap that once got you into the rut. And everyday from that day onwards, you'll be wary of your actions, your thoughts and your emotions. For each one of them will have a domino effect not only on yourself, but also on people you love around you and the things you hold dear to you.

I'm glad this time, the reconstruction phase came BEFORE my exams. If it were to happen again after exams, I'm not sure if I can live up to that pressure. Then again, like what one of my lecturer mentioned, in school, the grades don't warrant you a death sentence nor a job. So if it were to be bad, I know there's more to it than meets the eye! :)

Mechanism

2010-04-21T00:01:00.002+08:00

When emotions are high, intelligence is low.

That was the one quote I love the most when I was dealing with difficult customers. It was also the time when I'm dealing with friends and family members who have emotional roller coaster. The one thing that I kept telling myself that I can't fall prey to such emotions and letting it destroy any bit of it.

And the funny part is, each time the pressure mounts, I was the one who is destroying everything. In many ways, I've set up myself for failure. The undeserving mechanism kicks in, the unbearable temptations of fleeing and making unfavourable choices that I wished I've more courage to take on as a man.

I'm still wondering if I'm really up to the challenge. Again, I'm not surprised if history were to repeat itself again. It may very well be the last also. Looking out, I realized that it was all a lie. A big fat lie that I've been fooling myself that I was capable of doing something great, something that can impact people's lives.

Each time this feeling kicks in, it just like another war invading. All the inner feelings of fear, regret, undeserving, anger, hatred all began to surface. Just when I thought I've gotten over the phase, it comes back to me again. Each time with greater intensity. I reckon why Tin Man was without a heart.

There is a price for everything. I didn't wish to acquire more things in the past because I feared what I would lose now. As I grew older, bearing more responsibility, I realized that I was shirking and staying away from it all the more. I reckoned the mentality of serving others was much easier that leading others. The idiotic mentality of having the role was indeed tempting, then when I looked back at my past records, things always end up in dismay, disappointment and disarray.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vtvmlkcp83k

全事都有因果报应，凡是强求不来。

If you were to go, you better have a damn good reason. I've too many reasons why I should go. None of them is solid enough yet. Still waiting for the faithful day where I've more than enough good reason to go. Until then, I'll sit here quietly, endure the suffering and pretend to move on.

thinking

2010-04-18T23:24:00.003+08:00

There're a couple of things going on currently. The biggest of them all is the oncoming exam starting this Thurs, of which, I'm still very ill-prepared. :(

This semester, in comparison to the last, was much better. Covered more grounds, roughly know what's going on for that subject. Still, it doesn't warrant me any sense of security when I looked through the past year paper. This feeling totally kills me.

There also another major family issue going on. Not going to dwell it here now, don't want any negativity to fill my mind at this point.

Then there's the thought of 断了线的风筝. Can you chase the kite back? Or is it all gone? Is it worth the effort of chasing? The talk with Celine reminded me again that sometimes, you'll only know after you try. Perhaps a chance is all that I need.

Wanted to catch up with Ivory tonight, surprisingly, received a sms from Australia! A random surprising sms from Cher, no, should be Berlin. She's indeed changed to a far greater degree than what I've expected. Definitely more bimbotic. But one with brains and not just airbag inside. ;)

The business side ignites many ideas of furthering into many things and I saw a lot of connecting points all of a sudden. A pity can't put them into action right now. Well, reckon I'll have to wait and see if the tide changes to my advantage then.

RSPHI issue isn't resolve yet either. Still uncertain about the route ahead. Reckon I'll make my decision after my exams. Too much on hand now.

Toastmaster is taking up some time as well. More of a part time leisure thing for now. Not sure if there's an opportunity to venture further. Taken up the role of main com though. Also uncertain if I've made the right choice.

To end off this lengthy uncertainty post, here's something that was really sweet yet sad...

People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you make them feel.

Ending off with this song that I've been hearing so frequently that I can't take it off my mind. It rings so deeply within me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0VRj2uw9L0&feature=fvst

adrift

2010-04-15T22:51:00.002+08:00

It's been a really long while. The feeling of de javu. This evening is one of the worse evening I've ever had in my life...being torn from inside out, over and over again.

You need to spend some time adrift today -- your mind can't stay focused for twenty-four hours, after all! You may find a few answers lurking in the corners of your memory banks, anyway.

This semester has gotten me a lot closer with some friends that I knew would be life long friends if we continue to keep in contact; people like Jasper and Celine. Also got to know a lot of people on a better level...Zhe Ying, Meng Hwee, Adeline, Chun Yi. And this time round, it feels so much like I'm back in SA. A study group, bridge and closer bonds with the folks with dinner and lunch almost every time at either Can A or Mac.

Did have a better momentum this time also. Studying till late nights and waking up early in morning. I must say I'm surprised at my current momentum and still have yet to burn out. The thoughts of SA and bridge...I'm beginning to miss those folks again.

Tonight's bridge was rather different. Though only 3 games, it has torn me inside out. I've never expected the games to have such torturous effects. The thoughts and possibilities all came back again. The hopes and chances I'm willing to take all over again. Then when the heart has such strong desires, it was stopped by the brain's strong will to say no.

On the way back, I kept thinking why. Why didn't I follow up properly, why did I allow the time period to cool down, why didn't I confront my worse nightmare before it snowballed till such a great impact...and why am I thinking so many why...

Those feelings are still so strong. The smile, the laughter, the eyes. The mind chooses to shut the door based on reality and protective features. The heart desires to go out to "try again".

What a bad timing. To hit off such notions in a crucial moment. I only wish there could be a second chance. Even if it's a no, at least I know I've my conclusion.

Looking for my heart. Wizard of Oz. Will I ever to quote this statement with full pride?

A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

Or am I still looking for love at the wrong places again? Reckon only time will tell.

Nothing But The Truth

2010-04-10T01:28:00.002+08:00

Weather has changed....

I'm defending Rachel Armstrong, not some principles...

Who is your source?

A rather exciting movie and yet when I see the strength and resolve of this woman, who is willing to go so far as to go to jail, handle the pressure of breaking up her own family and indirectly cost the death of the person in her article, I give my hats off to her strength and resolve.

Looking back, I realized I what I thought I was, I wasn't. What I wanted to be, I couldn't be. When I worked hard at it, it seemed like I've accomplished nothing. Trying times...it seems.

Judgement days are just round the corners. The failing pattern is resurfacing. It took me one semester to get the grip of things. It cost me my GPA, my sanity and my dignity. This time round, I'm walking back the same path again.

What will things be again? Down the road of failure? Praying for miracles?

I did go the temple though. I did pray, not for better grades, but more focus and determination. Am I better prepared than last semester? I definitely am. I got all the papers needed, looked through some even. Still, the knowledge doesn't suffice. The sense of insecurity continues to jingle in my nerves.

FE1007

My first paper. As compared to last semester, I know full well what's finally going on for this subject. Maths was my favourite and strongest subject in my secondary and primary school days. Attempting to relive the glory. Succeed or failure? I chose to ignore neither. I'm not going for any good grades for this subject, but giving the fullest shot I can ever give. I've in so many ways more prepared than last semester. So I'm already proud in this aspect.

FE1001

Physics. The subject I disliked the most since secondary school. Yet, all the way till now, I'm in a physics field. How ironic! I supposed life has a nasty twist to many things. I must admit there were times I wonder if things would be any different if I were to continue to take on biology in college and move on to such related fields. Could be and could have been suddenly will evaporate after a short while because I made a promise, never to walk down the road of "IF" for long. Life doesn't change because of "IF"s.

FE1008

Computing. I retook it again this semester because I failed it previously. Going anywhere for this subject? Probably. One thing is for sure though, it's pretty unlikely I'll fail this again unless I really flunk my exam, of which, I promise I'll complete all papers for this module. Scoring for A in this module may seem within reach at this moment, "if and only if" I can finish the past year papers.

MB103

My favourite subject among all, marketing. Open book, no CAs, only exams and projects. Thoroughly enjoyed this module. Definitely found it the most useful one among all that I've taken thus far, truly life enriching. Only regret is not knowing enough people to network. Haha. I reckon Celine understand my position after one semester with me.

FE1005

Totally lost track for the mid term quizzes. Got both Ds. Oh well, I'm just praying I can rise to the occasion like Rommel did, then again, not habouring much hopes for this module. Possible to retake this also. Then again, I reckon only time will tell if I truly know this subject well enough to pass.

BS1004

Life science, biology. Whatever you wish to call it. Definitely having a hard time mugging for this. Won't be touching this until after my Mat Science paper mentioned above. It's MCQ after all, so will most probably leave it till then to prepare. My primary concern is, will I have the strength to continue then, considering among all, this is my most fearful subject of all. Lol.

Well, life ain't going too well as you can see. I'm not looking too far, just hoping that I can make full use of my days at least doing something to bring myself closer to my goals. That's all that I ask for myself currently. Is this the best? I definitely know it's not. Then why not put in more effort?

I can't change my mood, nor can I change my ability for better absorption. I only know, so long as I'm inching forward each time, I don't really care how slow I go.

The principles of life. To continue inching forward daily.

taking over

2010-04-04T21:04:00.002+08:00

I'm a little fed up with all the running and escaping. There comes a point when you're so sick and tired of doing the same thing all day long that the monotonous tone just gets too boring.

Or more accurately, I was too afraid to face my fear in the past....

It's de javu. Just like the time when I couldn't tear myself away from the fear. Time is different now. I'm moving ahead. First mover's advantage, if that's called correctly.

Now, it's time to build the strongest team. The recruitment has begun. It's time to bring the level of play up and stop fooling around. No time for games. It's do or die now. There's no turning back any more.

knowledge

2010-04-01T00:23:00.003+08:00

That statement still rings so loudly. Appearing, repeating and flashing in front of me all the times these days.

"Knowledge changes the perception of one's destiny."

The knowledge you have right now may not bring you to where you wish to go, but with more knowledge, it slowly unfolds and explains a lot of things.

RSPHI is having a election this coming Saturday. Honestly, despite being having such strong afflliation with the folks in there, it ain't any stronger than me wanting to me leave the place or pursue my entrepreneur dream. I don't know if I should feel sad or disappointed with myself. Then again, it's just a CCA. That's my perception of this and it's quite unlikely of me sacrificing myself for something that I'd little reasons to fight so hard for.

It was a little surprising considering that I was supposed to talk to a business client last Saturday and it turned out that it was canceled. Instead, I talked to Rommel and found that I've unknowgingly open new doors to another business opportunity. Haha. The talk on Monday night dragged a little longer than I expected, ended around 2am in the morning, with RSPHI election being part of the conversation. A little pity that Rommel had difficulty finding people to carry on the bathon. He attempted to persuade me. Still, he didn't provide me with strong reasons to do so.

A little audio listening made me understand how I became who I am today, with such strong connection with so many people, some even developed very good friendships. I then realized that in all that I was doing, I was doing and fulfilling what others wanted and needed every minute, every hour, every day. Yet, I wasn't giving myself that one sole thing which I've been looking and searching for all year round. Attention, or to put it bluntly, the feeling of importance.

From the very beginning of my err telling people I like ML, to the thought of the road is ending, to getting / hoping to get second upper to wanting to prove myself. All those are indirectly or directly in relation to one simple known fact. Unless I begin to give myself what I needed most, I ain't going to progress any further. And surprisingly, I've been doing it with others for my past years in life and yet I'm not doing it unto myself! How unfair I am to myself? Then again, things are never too late.

In many ways, I'm still glad I've went through all those bullshit. It's through pressure, diamonds are made (btw, diamonds don't last forever, graphite does!). So I reckon it shaped my thinking, my thoughts and my actions. I'm still learning to smile like how ML does it. Natural, sincere and more importantly, it radiates from the heart. This is something till now, I've yet to figure how to do it. Tin Man after doesn't have a heart, so you can't blame him for not doing it normally. ;)

A little insight onto what I'm doing now. Studies are literally off the windows. In ways, I've toned down a lot, mugged a lot and really "attempted" to focus a lot.

FE1001, Physics
Having quiz next Monday together with Computing and Material Science. Thankfully, it's MCQ. Still have "some hope" left I think. 5 tutorials to catch up on over the weekends. Well done, with 3 chapters absolutely no idea what's going on. Time to play catching!

FE1005, Material Science
I died attempting to figure out, stress, strain, tensile strength, yield strength. Keep seeing all those technical terms while I'm asleep on train back home. Phase diagram, easy lah. Right...only after you now what's going on. Will progress more tomorrow. Realized short notes did help filter out the noise though. Perhaps my only takeway for tonight. (tonight will do, doesn't apply to next sem!)

FE1007, Maths
Just had a quiz this morning. Also died. Can't complete the question and had to really "guess" what's going on. I do know & even attempted to complete all 3 tutorials in one day, which thankfully I did finish 2 and missed out on the last one. It was an easy paper, still, I reckon I wasn't easy enough to do it. Think too complicated to the point I couldn't quite recall the basic formula to apply it. Gosh!

FE1008, Computing
Reckon it's currently ranked the strongest subject. Many thanks to the fact that I did have some background and of course, this time, I paid more attention during lectures and tutorials. I must say I'm surprised I managed to recall so much without much revision and thus far, I got the highest if I'm not wrong for all my subjects -- 90 for first quiz. :)

BS1004, Life Science
I can never understand how BP/ Berlin does it. Died studying it. I finished the first round of studies, couldn't quite finish the second round and had to go for the quiz. Guess what, out of the 20+ questions, I think I can only do 10. The rest, well, crossing my fingers...It was supposed to be an easy paper too, with only True or False. Oh, I forgot to mention, with majority of the things not found inside the notes! ;)

MB103, Marketing
Also one of my strongest subject. I love it because we did very well for our project work. Thus far, one of the strongest 3 teams available, with all the marketing terms did perfectly for the previous presentation last week despite all the technical glitches many thanks to "e-learning". Haha. Aiming for at least an A for this subject. If I do get that grade, means one more opportunity to hang out with the rest of my group mates. Oh, I forgot to mention that my group mates are really strong too. With 4 year 4, Celine & myself. Celine and me were dubbed as the textbook. Because we literally "attempted" to memorize the textbooks, while Chak was the notes pro. Haha. And I must say, they're really talented with the designs and layouts and stuff. Perhaps I'll post some examples of the slides next time I blogged.

Time to hit the bed. Had been studying with the RSPHI folks for the past few days, staying in school till 9+ and reaching home around 11pm. It reminds me of the old days when I'm preparing for O Levels with the SA bros.

Will history repeat itself again? Well, only time can tell...

Enjoy the songs in the meantime~ (they are somehow depicting my inner most thoughts in many ways)

changes

2010-03-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

Went through a lot today. Once again, I missed an opportunity to network with another business person because she was feeling sick. One opportunity closes, another door opens. I got to know Rommel much better. On a more personal level I would say. One thing I'm glad though, what I said did make sense and I can see that he's growing to another level each time I met up with him.

One thing I do take into account was that Celine mentioned that I was akin to another friend of hers. I didn't exactly fancy her friend's style of introduction nor his way of communication. A personal pet-peeve I would say. To me, he sounded like someone with all talk and little actions. Or perhaps he talked too much and listened too little. Haha. Either way, I was somehow reminded me of the choices I've made few years back. Till now, I still abide by the choice and decision I've made then. (not variety seeking here Celine!)

If I were to choose between being poor and spiritual or rich and less spiritual, I would take the latter. If that means looking less like a person, more like a business man. Next goal, to kick off and follow through the programs and things I said I would do.

In someway, I've a new mission. To bring those who desire deeply to succeed in life, in terms of finances, health and relationship, I would bring these things to all those who desire in the circle of network I've met, currently meeting and will be meeting. The goal is to be the next Jim Rohn among the circle of my friends.

In many ways, Rommel mentioned something that really heartens me.

"You have been missing out in so many activities like Harkz and Sparkz that I'm sort of missing you."

Haha, I even asked again if I heard him correctly. Well, I've somehow envisioned Wei Hao and Berlin saying that it's a pity Rommel is not a girl. Haha.

I was really surprised when Celine managed to list out the qualities of girls I'm looking out for. It's obvious, then again, it's not a short list. Celine must have being influenced by me in many ways that even today she awed me with some of her witty comments. Haha. Well, I can't snatch all the credits, I must admit that she's also another strong person. Still, I got a feeling her off-hand comment did come from a little of my influence. Right Celine? :)

I'm done with the RSPHI, time to move on. There is little or no incentive for me to stay on. I realized that people chose to be in exco for various reasons, among which are these 2 popular --- of a particular person or to stay in hall. Life is just as straight forward as it is.

Time to move on. Where next? CAC? Toastmaster? Salsa?

Haha, yes, maybe Salsa. Something which I've a background in and where it's the land of opportunities. Lol. Toastmaster is very likely also, with the huge network of people in there. Or rather, huge potential of PRCs in there. People always say China is the next rising market in Asia, so we shall see if there're any more to milk from this opportunity.

I'm not sure if ML were part of the reason why I want to leave the CCA, perhaps a little yes and no. On a objective oriented perception, RSPHI in many ways, have filled me with the things I need from here. The system and structure which my company so badly needed. And by accident, I picked up a few talents and some very good friends, among whom, Celine has grown to become the my next family member! Haha.

The current family members that I truly treasure:

(1) Berlin

(2) CKP - Yew, Hui, Clif, SS, Desiree

(3) Celine

(4) Edwin

(5) Ivory

(6) PG - James, Jun Long, KH

(7) SA bros - Wei Hao & Darryl

Let's see if I can add more to the list of family that I've. Life has an uncanny way of giving you things and rob things away from you all of a sudden.

To Berlin, just to let you know, what you said previously still rings in my head.

"Go out with a damn good reason!" I promise you, until I've a damn good reason, you'll still be seeing me around. In any case, should life rob me of that opportunity to go out with a bang, I would like you to know you're also part of the list I truly treasure! :)

Time for bed and more studies. Full steam ahead! Time to redeem my self-worth, dignity and face value! Haha. Up and on!

pieces

2010-03-26T01:03:00.002+08:00

Finally picking up the pieces that was shattered. Time to clear up. 3 more weeks. That is all. One more chance. To prove that this guy has some content in this crap brain of his.

I find this video really hilarious. It encompassed what I've mentioned earlier, a reason to fight on. Yet, it was done in a very humerous manner. With the guy training hard for this girl and the ending was really so CKP! Sounds like the folks I love the most.

Had a chat with Celine before logging off. Slowly, I realized that I'm treating her just like Berlin. Though in many ways different, there somehow seem like there are so many common points.

Well, one thing I've picked up from both girls. I really think too much. Haha.

Strength & weakness. To each its own in respective fields. Time for bed, not time for debate. One thing is for sure, it's my pastime and hobby. Haha.

Will be facing more challenges ahead, with the quizzes coming up and mounting pressure, let's pray the fragility of the glass won't shatter so soon like semester. ;)

jaded

2010-03-24T18:59:00.002+08:00

For a moment, I thought I was out of those dark hours. Yet, I realized it was just a another big joke I was pulling on myself.

I got an interview to Minor in Entrepreneurship. I thought that it would be the turning point for me. Networking with like-minded people, I thought I would somehow find some reasons. Then after the interview, I realized I'm signing up for a real big pile of shit. The entire course will stretch for 6 months, aka it'll eat into the studying semester. It took me one day to fully register that piece of information.

I checked back again with a senior who has already been through the course. After talking, I found out more about myself. The driven, spontaneous and motivated tin somehow got lost. Right now, he can't exactly find a reason why he should push himself through those pile of shit to find what he wants. Best thing is, he doesn't exactly know what he wants now.

More money?

For whom and for what. Of course, who doesn't want more, but after reaching a stable equilibrium, you will want to find out why you need so much more.

More time?

For who? Who am I kidding here? I'm happy with the past 21 years. I can't say I'm happy with all my decisions, choices and actions I've taken. But one thing I'm very clear, I'm happy with where I am right now. So for what reason do I need more time?

More friends?

Haha. It's hilarious. Considering the circle of people I know, I've yet to really find one whom I can connect deeply. Many I do know on a very personal level, people like James, Jun Long, Kang Hao, Berlin, Celine, Ivory. Then again, I really wonder with all the changes going on everyday, how well do I know them? Is that what makes things interesting all the time? Hmm...

I'm currently looking through the list of thoughts there's been running through my mind. It's funny. Considering that I'm supposed to know, having the dream board, having a wonderful family, a circle of marvellous friends like CKP, what more am I looking for?

A reason to live. A sound, solid reason. I want something that is larger than life. It can be an ideology, a business, a particular person. Something with enough reason to kickstart my whole engine again. I know I'm capable of so much more, I know I've yet to bring myself back to the old standard which I was playing previously, but I'm like a trapped kid in jail, unable to free myself because I don't have a reason to break this prison and go out there, defy the law, logic and reasons to do something really meaningful for me.

I like the way James put it. Tin An is not the person who would do things for money. He can bey very busy but give him enough reason and he'll find time for you. He's the kind of person who would do things for meaning and reasons.

Meaning and reasons. Give me one, just one. And I promise, I'll be more powerful than what I used to be. It's just like what the old book says, Man Search For Meaning. Will be embarking on this new journey. I promise I won't stop until my very last breadth.

knowledge

2010-03-21T02:19:00.003+08:00

"The knowledge that you have changes everything. Doesn't it?"

That was the statement Jason Borne posted to the girl of whom his father died by Jason's hand.

This statement rings bell all the time. Knowledge is power. Or is that all that it is? My mind is racing in different directions.

Knowledge gives:

(1) The grades you want in school.

(2) The career you hope for in a company.

(3) The life partner you desire.

(4) Peace of mind since it gives you certainty.

I'm not quite sure about this point yet, but the reason why humans are Gods are among many of the "less inferior" organisms on this planet is the fact that we are given a mind which has the ability to conceive and absorb knowledge.

One more interesting note. I reckon it might even cause a debate. God is powerful after all, but reasons? First thought. Knowledge. The ability to know what is happening in the future, the ability to know how to overcome sickness, calamity, natural disaster. The knowledge to unfold all the answers that one wishes to know.

Seems like the insanity and pet-peeve is surfacing again. The certainty in death and the knowledge in life. Life's a suffering? Perhaps. So why not end this suffering? What's holding you back?

What is enlightenment? The stage where you've acquired certain knowledge about life?

I was once told by a good friend that I'm a little complexed to understand. Her boyfriend was simpler to understand. I quite agree on the point that sometimes the things I've mentioned don't quite make sense. Irrational, erratic, unconventional or if you are kind, weird.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. A brilliant advice I've received thus far. The constant debate about it. Constantly thinking. Always exploring. Never ending.

Ann endless loop. Another point. I reckon the reasons girls can understand guys better. Knowledge given by the guys to the girls or girls found out on their own. Once known, it can never be revoked. A stage where a diffusion of knowledge occurs, is a stage where depth begins.

So what the hell am I looking for anyway? Won't know until you were thrown into the water. And what happens when you drown? Well, pray for the best that someone will save you.

Then again, so what? Will you bar yourself from water, the very source that gives you life? A never ending cycle of questions, who, what, when, how, why?

The greatest insanity in life is to do the same things over and over again and expecting different results. So what happens when this insanity, constantly gives you new insight and knowledge? Will you be willing to apply and invoke the power within?

have a little faith

2010-03-16T23:10:00.002+08:00

Haha, I came across this book at Popular few days back and somehow this title keeps coming to me at the back of my mind. I smiled. It reminded me of the moments when I read the book, Faith of The Fallen by Terry Goodkind.

I'm still grasping the concept of purpose of life. One thing is for sure, I'm still sticking to what I've concluded previously. Somehow, the words from Berlin keeps ringing in my ears.

"If you want to go, you better have a damn good reason."

Initially, I was shocked that she said the same identical thing as Tony. Tony was saying the same thing to Cisse, his grandfather just before he went on to another world. Perhaps what the mind body connection is somewhat linked as mentioned by Tony.

Saw ML online in one of those rare instances. After some encouragement from Celine, I talked to her. It's funny considering that I'm planning the exit strategy. On one note, I'm happy things didn't go well, on another, it felt awkward to be pursuing things that is long gone.

In some ways, I'm gratified too. She managed to find someone who likes her and her status is somewhat in between being attached. Haha. I'm gratified more than I'm sad in many ways because it's a feeling of deja vu. 4 years ago, things were happening the same.

Time to get back to my lab report. Got to finish it by today and I'm having a maths quiz tomorrow.

For WHOM am I living for?

For WHO am I fighting and struggling so hard for?

WHERE am I supposed to make the difference?

WHEN will it be my turn to join you up there?

WHAT is the point in all these questions?

And more importantly, WHY are the random thoughts still around?

In some ways, I'm going to find out those answers....before my time runs out.

perspective

2010-03-15T01:17:00.002+08:00

Of all people, I definitely didn't expect Berlin (or Cher) to respond on such a faithful day. I'm sure many are wondering what the hell is wrong with the last post? Nothing's wrong. It's just some realization about certain facts of life.

Just came home from James' wedding. Seeing him happily married, I'm really happy for him. It brought back one interesting question which Celine asked. She asked why am I happy that she's attached. It shocked me for a moment. Isn't friends supposed to be happy that they are attached, I searched deeper then I realized that I'm treating her like my own family member already. Perhaps because we're in the same marketing group, same CCA & we often share many common things together.

I've also had a recent gathering with CKP on Friday evening. Looking back, this is the first time David join back after a long respite. The five of us definitely won't ourselves that evening. It felt awkward, uneasy. It felt like for a moment, we were strangers and didn't know what to do or talk.

In retrospect, I'm glad I'm living the way I am now. All the choices I've made in the past, both wrong and right, have resulted in who I am today. If today were the last day, would I still be doing the things I do now? I will.

Perhaps, only one thing I won't do. Signing into msn again. Because Berlin has once again put some food for thoughts for me again. I must thank her for squandering time with mindless issues like the ones I'm going through. Somehow, the verdict is set. I'm a little tired of what's going on. The interests are lost and I see no purpose in the road ahead.

Part and parcel of growing up? Probably. Till I get a new perspective, I don't see why I should not keep the one I have now. ;)

one last deed.

2010-03-13T23:05:00.002+08:00

If today were the last day of your life, what is the LAST thing you would want to do?

Hold hands with your loved ones?
Spend time with your family members?
Do some really CRAZY things you would never have done before in your life?
Or say things that really matters to you in your heart but didn't do so because of many various reasons?

For me, if I were to go through, I reckon the last deed I would do is to find a quiet place, sit down, take out my pen and paper, and write down all the letters I want to say to those people who mattered the most to me in my life.

A parting gift.
A winding road, limitless twists and turns.
An average start, hyped and excited.
Filled with visions and dreams, of achieving countless impossibilities.
Then came friends, who added many colours,
To this further beautify the picture.
Soon came challenges and obstacles,
Peppered with surprises, both pleasant and unexpected;
Many cherish thoughts and merry memories.
Familiar songs, sand by many creatures,
Resonating the feelings within.
The foggy road, suddenly came a fork
Filled with uncertainty, came a leap of faith
An unsuccessful leap, and free fall begun.
Screams of fear, predicting the pain of future.
In the midst of it all, enlightment came.
That all things, both good and bad,
Will and eventually, come to an end.
Realization was, it's futile to fight the destiny.
For what purpose shall it be, when the end draws near?
Accept the course, for there's only so many tomorrows.
And if given grace, for one more day,
Time for one last deed, what shall it be?

A little too tired to explain what I'm doing. Somehow, I just felt like I'm leaving on borrowed days. The nightmare last night was not a wake up call. It's a nightmare coming real. I can't quite accept it and I fear it coming. Yet, when it hits, I know I'm somewhat ready. For I've in some ways, prepared my last deed - my parting gift to all.

songs

2010-03-12T00:21:00.003+08:00

Songs bring back memories. Old memories, familiar events, sweet moments and special people. I especially like songs by this particular artiste because whenever I want to feel sad and couldn't quite find the reason to, this artiste has an uncanny knack of helping me fulfill that small little request. Songs that will tear my eyes, remind me of who I was and who I want to become. That's a couple of things I wish I could share, but I've yet to find the person whom I can do so. It's not that I don't have people whom I trust, but I just haven't find the right timing to share such emotions.

Learning to be reticent once again. Reckon it'll only be a matter of time before things will square back to normal again.Here are the songs.

And I especially like this song because it reminds me that there are only so many tomorrows that can come true. When will my tomorrow end? Only the Universe can tell..

creatures

2010-03-08T22:26:00.003+08:00

We are all dealing with creatures of emotions, not creatures of logic.

We run most part of our lives based on emotions more than logical thinking.

How true! This statement kept ringing in my head for the past couple of hours. I still couldn't quite fanthom how such "sophisticated" human constantly fails whenever emotinos run high.

You may begin the day with a flurry of activity, but if you don't keep disciplined, you are sure to find that things unravel somewhat by the end of the day. Get someone to help keep you on track.

David recently asked if CKP was free to catch up. So was Clifton. Haha. It's amazing how things turn about. One left, the once 5 member team now down to 4. With David initiating, could it be a new start all together? Life never fails to surprise me!

The past recess week has been a real disaster for me. Did practically nothing. Except, perhaps, entertaining myself with the mindless activities. Even skipped going out with friends to stay home. Learning hard to be a home hermit. Haha. Nonetheless, last week proves to be a wake up call for me.

Cut down on mindless activities.
(1) Stop going to msn.
(2) Only read the mails at specific timing.
(3) Has put the phone to silent mode so I can focus on studying.
(4) Put aside all entertainment devices.
(5) Even sent my beloved wife (macpro) for repair. :(

With everything else in place, including repacking (half) of my cupboard, I reckon this is a good start to the second half of the second semester. Took up a mentoring program also, erm, people mentoring me for FE1008, a module which I accidentally da bao. Why "accidentally"? The failed attempt to put in the necessary effort to practice of course!

Well, what's past is past. No point criticizing, blaming or finding excuses. Let's face the music, be a man and do the right thing! Oh, did I mention, being a man also includes being flirtatious (you've to read the papers to draw reference to this)?

Man of status never fails to escape grasp of a woman. 英雄难过美人关。

So true! When men have reached this level of success, one hole can never satisfy him. Just like the famous golfer, who's never satisfied playing with just one hole. ;)

What did I learn today?
Self discipline is the key to success. Procrastinate and it'll bring you to nowhere. Build good habits and let them bring to success.

What have I improved / contributed?
Self discipline to stay away from those entertainment/ distractions/ news/ mails/ whatever. A great leap of faith in believing in the existence of higher power! (which is definitely in play today!)

What have I enjoyed?
Every moment recalling how I managed to survive the A level (despite scoring badly). A straight Fs student who's now on the verge of falling of the cliff.
悬崖勒马，痛改前非。

May the power be sufficient to last till the end of my studying terms!

System

2010-03-04T22:34:00.002+08:00

It's always about system. Things change because of an ineffective system and things remain the same because of a system in place.

The past system wasn't working for me. The old habits were literally killing me, inside out. The ride back home today taught me two lessons.

(1) Never waste unnecessary time with unecessary people. Sounds cruel? When time is money, all you can do is just focus, focus and focus. No time for distractions.

(2) Always follow your system. If your system cocks up, change, adapt and remedy so you can continue following your system.

The trip to JPF was a fruitful one. Got in touch with some younger guys, of whom I realized one of them was from my old school, SAS. Haha. It's been a while since I've been speaking to a saint. Glad some ways that because I was being brought back to the past for a short moment.

Your emotional exposure feels a little extreme right now, but you can cope -- you always do! You may need to back off a bit or get some time to collect yourself in the middle of the day.

How true! I was feeling a lot of resentment. Angry at myself, angry at the family angry at the world. But what can I do? Control, control and control. There's nothing more you can do about the past, nor can you change where you were born. There's only one thing I can change, the present. And I know for sure, this present, will definitely have an immense impact on my future.

There's still time for some study. Will maximize it. :)

What did I learn today?
Not to waste time with unnecessary people and attending unnecessary events. Time to stay focus and act accordingly.

What have I improved/ contributed?
I realized that I manage to improve on my stamina after some training at JPF. I also realized that it's natural that people our age are inclined to get attached, but at the same time, I've in some way learned to better manage my inner emotions. No relationships until I'm in some way successful. No time to waste courting people when you can't even convince yourself that you're capable of anything.

What have I enjoyed?
Moments alone. Totally. Quiet, serene and calmness. Oh, I also love the scene I saw, a chubby boy pushing his sister who's attempting to learn how to ride a bike. I wished I could have that experience. I remembered my brother attempted to taught me once, but gave up after that. There were no follow ups, no guidance nor advice. The only words I received, you got to learn to fall on your own. And so, that's how I picked up cycling on my own.

progress

2010-03-04T00:02:00.005+08:00

I'm not sure if today's consider a day of change or otherwise. One thing I'm pretty glad is that I did manage to arrange half of my cupboard today, sent my beloved wife (macbook pro) for repair, arranged for the furniture guy to come down to repair my cupboard and more importantly, cash in my cheque. Haha.

The only disappointing fact was that I have yet to touch any school work today. Nothing. Nil. Not even a single question. It somewhat surprised me that time passes by so quickly. Before you know it, it's already night and it's time for bed. Well, enough said, let's enjoy some videos.

This song inspired me a great deal while I was packing my cupboard. Somehow, it resonates with what Celine has been attempting to do for the past couple of days. Speaking about Celine, I feeling very happy for her because she's about to be attached pretty soon at the rate the guy is going. Haha. ;)

Another song that reminds me of the people I'm constantly surrounded with. Only time can tell if the people are indeed whom I deeply need in dire times. Well, I leave the answer to time to decide for me.

An upbeat song that perked up my mood the evening. It was hell going rummaging through all those crappy stuff, yet, this song somehow manage to get to my inner core.

Haha, this song is SO for you Celine! Must share the good news once you two have become an item! ;)

And last but not least, the song that sang with my inner core for the past few days. It still rings with me. I've yet to detox the toxin from within, but I'm beginning to appreciate the shit. This shit is ending soon. I'm beginning to see the light. I'm near the end of the tunnel.

Here's some photos to bring some life to the post.
My bags used to be thrown from side to side everyday depending on the time of the day. Haha.

This was what happened during the unpacking. I removed all the stuff and yeah, it's really messy. Lol.

This is what the empty and vacant cupboard looks like. It sure looks like it can store a lot of things. Haha.

This is the final look after I did some cleaning and tidying after 30 minutes.

I did some rearrangment as well. Hopefully this new arrangement can bring more opportunity for me to constantly keep my neat cupboard in check. I've also moved the location of my bags into the cupboard. It's a little compact, but I reckoned it'll sit well there and make the whole room neater in some way, hopefully.

I'm beginning to love this kind of packing. Most proably will do this more often should time permit. I'll be resuming packing the other side of it. Oh, I forgot to mention that there are still a lot of stuff inside my cupboard, but I've shifted them to the living room temporarily to make space for my bed at night. Haha. So yeah, the living room is now also my "cupboard".

Time to turn in. Have wasted one morning sleeping. Will wake up tomorrow morning to make up for the lost time I've missed out today. Time to buck up and no more shitty excuses.

The happiest moments in life is knowing we are convinced that we are loved.

This one of the quote I read while withdrawing money. It's nice initially when I saw it, but upon taking a deeper look, it feels like...

The happiest moments in life is knowing we are CONvinced that we are loved.

I sincerely wonder why the CONvinced was there. Yet, upon understanding the gist of it, I realized it's true. You can't feel love unless you first con yourself that the world loves you. Then you will carry your daily actions with love and in some way, hopefully, love will be reciprocated back to you.

What did I learn today?
To CON myself into actions regardless of the feelings. Haha. Actions taken, deeds done, tasks accomplished. Yes! :)

What have I improved / contributed?
Better driving skills, or more accurately, parking skills. Spot, turn, readjust, turn, park in. Less than 5 minutes. Ultra cool! I could still remember parking int he same carpark, but in the past, it took me more than 5 minutes and the cars behind me got to wait till I'm in. Absolutely hilarious. Now, I'm beaming with pride that I can do it in less than 5 and I'm straight! Without any scraches of course! ;)

What did I enjoy?
Accomplishing the tasks. Enjoying the moments and more importantly, learning to live with the anger and resentment. The retardedness still resides somewhere within my body, just need a couple more days to remove that toxin.

Oh, I most enjoyed the moment when I noticed that Warren is a born entrepreneur before he became a SUPER investor! Haha. It makes me want to be more proud filling my first income tax tomorrow!

competition

2010-03-03T00:07:00.002+08:00

Life itself is a competition. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. There's no winner or loser in life. Just winner in our own ways and losers in our own ways too. What the hell is this guy talking?

Let's see....

Be it competition, life or even those people you call friends. None, I can tell you, none, can ever recall the details. Do you still remember who was the first person you met in your primary school? The first friend you made you were alone in the totally strange new environment?

When you head to your secondary school, who's your first teacher? Or how about what was the first subject that you scored A in (if it even occurred)?

Honestly, I've no recollection of any of those things. Neither will I want to put in the effort to recall those details. I've in some way, lost touch with what happened in the past. In many ways, I've already lost touch with those emotions of the past. I supposed it's part of my nature to keep myself sane and also to forget about the past I wished so much I could forget. And so the requests were answered. None of them remembered.

I don't know what exactly I'm angry with myself about. Is it because of the low quality of standard I'm currently having? Is it because of the future I may be having that isn't going as expected? Or was it that my plan was just so hazy that I can't seem to figure out anything feasible. I feel sad for myself, disappointment for my friends and more importantly, guilty for the fact that I'm not playing the game properly.

What exactly I'm missing out at this stage? Recognition? Good academic results? Relationship? Financial stability? Family connection?

I'm seriously lost. Digging deeper, I realized I'm more and more angry with myself. I've sunk so low that I don't even know what's the feeling of being a human again.

In some way, I'm glad. But I don't need encouragement. It's not enlightenment I need either. All I need is a quiet place, a person to sit beside, and just let time slip by....

What did I learn today?

To smile, smile and smile. Never ever confront your emotional problems with others. No one deserve the shit you're going through. Life goes on and that's it. No one will give a shit. WOrk things out on your own. Period.

What have I improved / contributed?

To partition a section of my mind and store those emotions till later. A great way to escape from the those "courteous" questions of asking "why are you feeling sad?", "what happened?". Nice to hear, but it doesn't help. All I need is time alone. Those questions only serves to hinder me with spending more time alone with my thoughts.

What have I enjoyed?

Being angry. It's funny because it's been a long time since I've become this mad at myself. I'm starting to like the feelings of this. Every time I reached a stage like this, it can only mean one thing. I'm still on my way down....

and once I've hit the bottom, there's only one way to go. ;)

sad songs

2010-03-01T22:56:00.003+08:00

It's amazing what sad songs can do to you. Before you jump to any questions, let's just watch and listen first.

Tears welled up upon listening to this song. I don't know why, but it constantly reminds me of the near future I'll be facing down this road of life. It also reminds me a lot about what I've read in Joe Girad's book. I'll dwell more about it further down in the post.

I don't exactly know what to say when I hear this song. But it reminds me of the time when I was watching my favourite O.C. One of those scenes where you are supposed to be crying and tearing because one of the main characters died.

I managed to find all these from a website. It's funny that such things even crossed my mind. Lol.

So here's the explanation. My day started out all right until my mother came into my room asking if I was going to school. Not knowing what was to come, I told her I wasn't since we are having a week's term break this week.

The next thing I knew, I realized that she was planning me to look after the shop. Bro has gone overseas to enjoy his one month vacation. My mom has planned to go out but sadly, I wasn't informed. When mom realized that she wasn't told that I've a week's vacation, she was absolutely fuming. When she knew I'd already planned for MOC outing, she was both disappointed and surprisingly angry. And so, I became the punching bag for her in the morning.

She kept blabbering and nagging as though I'm still a 10 year old kid (this is the part where it totally pisses me off). On hindsight, I admitted it was partially my fault. Yet, it's also partially hers because she could have told me in advanced so I could make necessary to help out dad. The whole morning turned sour. I learned quickly NEVER to argue with a woman when she's in a bad mood. Let her win. They are ALWAYS right. You can never ever outsmart an angry woman who's at the top of heads, who's willing to go extra miles in any possible way to prove you are WRONG.

I supposed it's always human nature. To always want to be right and other people are always wrong when there's a hiccup, challenge or mistake. Well, I simply swallowed my pride, took the lashing of her unkind words and just leave it be.

When emotions are high, intelligence is low.

I've learned to live without emotions for that morning. Sit there, ate my breakfast quietly and just headed back to my room to continue with my web assignment.

When it was due at 12pm, headed out and the day sort of took its change. Changing for the better? I'm not exactly sure. But one thing is for sure, I did manage to get some insights on one of the greatest man I've always envied, Joe Girad, the world proclaimed number one salesman.

His childhood, like mine, didn't go very well. Yet, I must admit, in comparison, I was in a much better position than he was. His childhood was full of misery, beatings from his dad, deprived of loved, mixing around with the wrong crowd, staying in boys' home. All the worst nightmare you can ever think of for a guys childhood, he got it. He begged on street to shine people's shoes and he's sometimes the sole breadwinner of the family because his dad couldn't very much get a job at that time. One thing that I really admire was that he's PROUD of his childhood. One thing I couldn't quite understand until it was further explained. It constantly reminds him of how lousy he started out life and where he had gotten today. There's this quote I especially love:

Look back to learn how to look forward better.

Another resonating point I realized we had in common was both he and I want to provide for our family things we could never really had when we were young. He, too, wanted to provide a decent stable living for his family, something which he didn't his children to go through. I paused for a moment and I looked back in the morning at what my mum has mentioned.

"This is your family, you must learn to look after you family also."

"Why must I always learn things from other sources and yet I can't hear it from you?"

"Why do you always do it like this? This is not the first time, it has been countless times."

Of course, I couldn't quite remember those exact words, but the gist of it is there. From my perception, it feels like I'm a ignorant, stupid, unfilial son who is so noob and totally unaware of what's going on in the shop.

If there were any shit hole to climb into, I would gladly do it. I swear that this was the worst insult I've ever received from my family member. I pride myself in always putting family above all else, studies, friends, business. For all that I do, I always put them first. And now, what you're telling me is that I suck at being a family member. Not only has she took away my pride, which is a relatively small issue, but she did an extremely big destruction to my inner core believe and self-confidence. It feels like this entire life all sums up to nothing. It sucks! Totally! And I totally detested this feeling.

Only manage to find some solace that I've the emotional wellbeing to take care not to rebut and only to take the damage as served. Another consolation note was that Joe was also going through a terrible phase of his life. In contrast, he obviously won the upper hand of being the lousiest place to be on earth.

Reading further, I then noticed that his primary instinct to provide for his family was constantly on his mind. Exactly the same way I'm operating. I do business, investment and many more is just so I can provide a better living for my future family. Of which my wife doesn't have to worry about the financial aspect and having to go out to work to reduce the burden on me. A man's only ego comes from bringing home the pay cheque and feeding his family member. If he can't even do that, he's obviously failed, beyond hope, to be a man. It's ancient thinking, but it operates well in the man's mind.

The world may change, the circumstances and environment may change, but human nature will not.

This is how it is. It's the law of "man-kind". Just like how a woman, once she passes the age of giving birth and still wasn't married or doesn't have any offsprings, she'll tend to be more jity and grumpy as compared to those who have. What my dad said was true, those people after a certain age without a family sometimes acted weird, or more accurately, differently from the norm. They don't get to experience things a family get to enjoy.

The desire to excel for personal gain has long passed my frame of thoughts. It's now always about the family, family and family. It always is and will always be. And when someone told you you've failed terribly, especially coming from the unit you're born into, it dents your confidence and totally quakes your inner world.

A simple incident over-exaggerated? Absolutely. Yet, when you're going through it, it feels just insufficient. The pain, the trauma, all these are beyond ordinary minds.

Only those who have been through the shit will understand what it feels like to be shitty.

And after a short nap in the evening, I then realized the genie was here for a reason. To enlighten me once again.

In order to be somebody, you must first be a nobody.

In the pursuit of achieving something, there's a price to pay. If it's too high, then you can just walk away. There are other people who's willing to pay the price. It's an old adage. Cause and effect. Pay the price, fulfill your requirements and received your rewards. And in between, you are going to lose a lot of things. And that was also the reason why I wasn't moving anywhere. I was already comfortable with where I am and I'm fearful of losing what I've now.

I've finally able to say I've grown up. It's time to pay the price to be a student. A good one. To sit down daily to study, study and only study. It's time to be a good investor. To do nothing but invest, read and research. And it's also time to be family oriented. To help out the unit as and when called upon.

Everything else, honestly, I'm more or less prepared to sacrificed. The friends, the business, the online, networking. I think it's time I make a clear move. No more ding-dongs. No more outings. No more crappy excuse that I can't make it there. It's time I be a student and do what a student supposed to do. Study!

There's a whole list of people whom I'm going to disappoint again and most probably insult again in the future. If it takes all those shit to get me where I need to go, then I'll do just that.

Sacrifices were made in order to achieve the things you want to achieve. It's called the law of exchange. We come to this earth with nothing and will leave with nothing. In order for you to get something, you must first give something of value back. Like what James mentioned, you can't give what you don't have. And if you can't provide the things, actions, money required, you will NEVER get what you want in life.

Signing out. It's time to be a nobody and do some major changes to my fucking life. What a fucked up way to end a day?

What did I learn today?

Emotional control. No one deserves to know the shit you went through. Just go through the shit yourself and learn to clean those shit. Life doesn't care, you either get up and get moving, or you'll sit and get moved by currents of life.

What have I improved or contributed?

Fake a smile even when the day sucks. I also gave up my seat to a needy elderly. The smile was genuine. I attempted to smile too, but it just came off so fake. What a joke!

What have I enjoyed?

Finding sad songs. Haha. I understand why people want to remain moody, indulge in all the wrong activities and vices even though it does that no (direct) benefits. All these, in some ways, give them simple that instantly satisfy a certain of their needs in some ways. It's always proven, again and again. It's reliable, consistent and more importantly, the satisfaction is guaranteed, each and every time. And that is why, sad songs are here for a reason.

Wishes

2010-03-01T12:10:00.002+08:00

I don't know why. But recently I've been having this dream about wishes. It felt like there's a genie around and constantly asking me what I would like to have when I wake up. Haha. Perhaps I've been too tired recently with all the stuff, the dry run event for Hark (one of my CCA event organized by Farrago Centre) and all the minor outings and gatherings etc.

I do agree it's been a rather fulfilling weekend, celebrating Alicia's birthday on Saturday cum networking session and the dry run yesterday. What was surprising to me was that the turn of events that had happened. I don't exactly know how I should put it into words, but it's just a little terrorizing sometimes. Will post more later in the day. Here's a overview which I think Astrology has somewhat said it very accurately.

"You're feeling much more in touch with your emotions today, so it's a great time for heart-to-hearts, even as you find it harder to deal with regular, day-to-day business. Take the day off, if you can."

A little weird knowing other things can speak the way you are currently feeling. Haha.

changes

2010-02-24T20:38:00.002+08:00

It's been a long while since I'd fell sick. And today just seem so right to fall sick. I don't know why, but the entire body felt a little lethargic and the "leaking nose" was quite bad in the morning. Somehow, the feeling so skipping lectures and tutorials just seem apt.

I have been going through the cold turkey treatment since morning. Shunning away from fan, air-con and have been industrious in putting on the jacket all day round despite having a hot sunny afternoon. Crazy me indeed.

Today seem like a lazy afternoon. Spent the entire afternoon in the clinic waiting for my turn and guess what, I managed to finished my mentor's book, Secret Psychology to Millionaire Trader. Absolutely insightful to say the least.

The night was a little directionless. I didn't quite know what to do. One moment I was packing my table, next moment I was attempting to listen to lecture recording. After which, I got so pissed off, and I sat down and planned what I wanted to achieve for today. And here I am, viewing my lecture recording with much better focus. ;)

Here's a song that Celine played and sung today.

No original copy uploaded for fear that I maybe infringing on some of her rights. Haha. Right...Nah, she's a shy girl (or so she said), but yeah, it was beautifully played and sung. I'm very impressed for the fact that she's inclined music and she has the ability to be a liasing with external parties for her poly CCA.

And there are a couple of other pieces she played but not going to list all here.

I didn't know why, but sometimes when I looked back at my past, I was wondering what things would be like when I've taken back some words, some actions and more importantly, do things differently.

I vowed to myself never to play the "what if" game. The last time I played it, I was in some serious shit. Then when as I grew older, it's one of the best way to put things in perspective, depending on the user, context and intent. It's amazing to know the worst feared tool, can sometimes be the best tool to overcome your obstacles.

We are all products of our experience, both good and bad.

If given a second chance, would I have done the same thing again? I reckon I would. It has certainly cost me quite a bit, but all in all, I've learned a valuable and powerful lesson which if done correctly, I believed I would not make the same mistakes again twice!

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

How true indeed!

What did I learn today?

You can't live without a plan. Even a lousy plan is better than no plan. Planning is the key to all success after all.

What have I improved or contributed?

I've began practicing forgiveness. To myself, to my past actions and more importantly, accepting the fact of who I am and what I had been. It's in this moment where I finally realized, until I learned to accept this fact that I can't change the past, the past will continue to haunt me. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting the past, but forgiving the wrongs which I've done.

What have I enjoyed?

Listening to Celine's music and getting to know another side of her today. Lol.

reconditioning

2010-02-21T22:11:00.003+08:00

After a short "mixing around", it's time again to listen to Tony and do some reconditioning.

The purpose of relationship is one audio that really changes my frame of mind again. Speaking of frame of mind, it reminds me of what Geraldine corrected me. You can never change your perception, you can only "shift" your perception. Here's an extract of the audio.

Why do people want to have relationships?

To feel love and intimacy, to share knowledge, to network, to satisfy the need for connection?

The true purpose of relationship is to magnify the human experience. Why do I mean by that? Think about it, you can experience something phenomenon and get excited. But when you share with people and the people get excited, it gets you even more excited. This is where 1+1 is not equal to 2, there's a third element that magnifies the emotions.

It reminds me of what Napoleon Hill once said about the Master Mind Alliance, that when two people with the same frequency, same passion, same goals come together, a third person is formed. Ok, this sounds wrong on my end because it somewhat correlates to reproduction. What the hell am I thinking? Haha.

Time to get back to my work. It's just like what John C Maxwell has mentioned:

"Everyday we are either preparing or repairing."

I'm glad I'm now preparing for tomorrow's 3 quizzes, which I've barely touched over the weekend. At the same time I'm also reparing so I can do better instead of just ignoring the fact that it's only a small percentage of the exams.

A shift of mentality. Finally got that right! :)

What did I learn today?

I've learned to be more disciplined and raised the standard for myself. The feeling sucks that I've to clear the shit of my past procrastination, yet it feels awesome at the same time because I'm finally out of the shit hole and doing something fruitful for the first time this weekend.

What have I improved/ contributed?

Learned to share my knowledge and be more stringent about my kind of past standards. It again rings the bell of this particular phrase,

Develop a positive habit and let it take you to success. Indulge in unproductive habits and it will bring you to destruction.

This is just soo cool!

What have I enjoyed?

Clearing shit. It rocks to know that you're finally back on the line. Period.

Faith of The Fallen

2010-02-21T11:56:00.004+08:00

Wasted 2 solid days. Absolutely careless with the way I've squandered it. Still, it feels right to be doing so because of my inability to stay focus and I truely deserve whatever outcome there is to be.

I've enough of it and it's time to move on. Two wrongs don't make it right.

Despite feeling so, life still goes on.

So just like the first song by the singer. Lol.

Then I suddenly remembered one phrase which I used to tell myself each time I received any negative feedbacks.

He ran. He fell. He got up. And he ran again, never once leaving sight of his goal and continued smiling.

A short description of a boy who was running towards my neighbourhood playground. It kind of reminds me of the past I'd when I didn't know the meaning of feedbacks. Haha. Life is just simpler when you stop analyzing so much.

Another one of my favourite phrase and had been taken up by one of my student, Jun Long.

It ain't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can hit and keep moving.

Haha. Get up boy, you've rest enough and it's time to find back your smile. Time to "get high" people. :)

Sleepless

2010-02-20T04:04:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I've this problem. Whenever this problem occurs, it usually signifies a new transition stage or I can safely say, I'm currently going through another stage of "feedback".

Don't wish to talk about any problems right now. Just want to upload those photos which I didn't get to do so previously. No talking, just more photos and songs.

Here's a pic of the new wallet I bought recently. I love the fact that there're more slots to put my cards. :)
This is the external view of it. Isn't the contour of the wallet interesting? :)

Haha, this is what happens when you're viewing the photo made by our song sign seniors. Will most probably upload it in FB and youtube some time next week.
This is my tutee for last week. Haha. Well, my interim one at least. I was just taking over someone to teach this chubby fellow. Quite interesting to teach because I've been slacking for the past couple of weeks. :)

Yup, reckon that's about the gist of the past week. Here are some songs that was ringing in my head previously.

A song that I've been playing since last Tuesday? I heard it over the radio and now, it's one of the top played songs in my itunes. ;) I love this video as the pictures are nice and the lyrics is just simply amazing! Haha.

Another song that I totally love too. Somehow all these songs just remind me the happy memories I'd.

Well, I reckoned sometimes we go through the wrong ones to know the right ones. So I reckoned it's time to move on. Life change, people change, things change. I, too, have to change accordingly...

Photos

2010-02-17T01:33:00.004+08:00

No words nor comments about for the past couple of days (at least not today). Just photos and more photos. Let them do the talking. :) (btw, it's on events that happened last month, lol)

Above is a picture taken at the garden on top of Orchard Central if I'm not wrong. Haha. Can't remember, but it looks nice isn't it? :)

The loading this evening is taking ages. I'll most probably continue when the connection speed is faster. Time to seek help from professional help. It's time to renew my business profile and yes, it's time to do some accounting work! Haha.

Any hopes to find people who I can ask about income statement? Will need serious help on it! :)

gloomy days

2010-02-08T00:56:00.004+08:00

This week is going to be all dark for me. So much things to do, so little things to complete. Let's see what I've this week:

(1) Tutorials for FE1001, FE1005, FE1007, FE1008. All undone. Some are due tomorrow. :(

(2) Webassign 2, only 16% complete, due tomorrow 12pm. Total of 320 parts. :(

(3) 2 speeches to make - P4 due on Tue (2nd draft yet to send to Chris for amendment), P5 due on Thurs. Both at external club, Tue at Thomson CC and Thurs at AIA. :(

(4) Canvassing details - arrange duty roster, keeping track of inventory, flyers and catalogue not out yet :(

(5) Renew PG biz profile :(

(6) Helping out in shop is draining away my energy and time BUT I'm totally enjoying it! :)

(7) MB103 project slides which I totally disappointed Celine in not completing my part :(

Wow! With this list of things not done, it's a no-brainer I've been pulling a long face whenever night falls. I'm seriously wondering if I'm able to going to make things right at this pace. Am I too ambitious to the point of killing myself unknowingly or am I just setting myself up for failure with such unreasonable expectations. Either way, I've gotten desensitize to all the following stuff.

Well, time to work OT. Haha. Learning to live life with passion, just like what Tony has taught me. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. Learning to do things the right way now. It's time to buckle up.

It's really interesting to have the dream this morning. I dreamt that I was attached and was happily in love. It's like those kind of fairy tale stories where you see the main characters live happily ever after that. When I woke up, I smiled sheepishly to myself. Haha. It's like one of the best dream I ever had since the start of the year and also the most silly ones because it totally defies the current condition and state of mind I'm in. Well, enough fantasy, time to review some things I've done.

This are the candles done by Lee Hui. I find them very artistically taken. :) Oh, these are also the candles which we'll be selling for our canvassing.
A seemingly normal ladybug that flew into my room like erm, last month.
After a while, I realized that this ladybug was actually attempting to lay give birth! Ok, ladybugs don't give birth, more accurately, laying eggs. I took quite a few pictures of them, but yeah, lazy to upload more due to time constraint. Haha.
One movie which I totally fell in love and even watched twice. Haha. Ok, not exactly twice, once was at Isaac's house, but I only managed to catch the last part because I went to his place late. Another time is yes, the movie version where I watched with the majority of RSPHI crew.

A scene of what's going on every Saturday during our tuition time. I was pretty surprised not many were HI but yeah, I'm glad I managed to slack till now without having any tutee...yet. Haha. :)

Well, that's about it. I've more pictures on my computer, will most probably uploading more over the next couple of days. Meantime, I'm going to back to complete as much stuff as I can. :) Time for Tin Man to take the reign and put some order into things. :)

Quick Update

2010-02-06T19:59:00.003+08:00

That's a lot going through my mind lately. The juggling of school work, canvassing, speech drafts, helping out dad in shop and lousy blisters have sort of taken a toll on me recently. I'm feeling a little jaded and honestly, I'm looking forward to Chinese New Year for the first time. Not that I never like the festive season, it just saddens me because when it's this time of the year, my parents will be away, the area will become a ghost town. The sense of connection will be lost, the opportunity to network around will be lost and somehow, I don't get to feel the energy around the shop.

These mixed feelings is really giving me a big headache. Only glad that as always, Tony ALWAYS live up to his end of his bargain in being the BEST speakers to inspire, motivate and create IMMEDIATE changes in my life. I must say I owe a lot of my current mindset and development to him, Jim Rohn (who sadly passed away), Napoleon Hill and many others. Still, there are a few more stuff I'll like to address, but I'll wait till I've more time in the evening.

Time to live my head high, stop the loser mentality and live my end of the bargain as a mentor to others who needs my guidance. Cheerios once again to my mentor! :)

turning point

2010-02-01T16:50:00.002+08:00

It's finally settled. Again and again, I've been disappointing myself for the fact that I'm not performing to my expectations. It's time to change. I'd enough of this crap.

I'll be updating more stuff in the coming week. Most probably next week when I've more time. Canvassing event is coming up, web assignment is due soon and there's a maths quiz coming up on Wednesday. All of which, I've yet to equipped myself properly.

The only consolation, I've great friends who are always constantly so supportive. Then again, it's not about the support now, nor is it about the environment. It's all about me now. Time to pull up the socks and do a good job. Time to move on. I've also decided that it's time to close the chapter of ML. Have yet to tell MOCs, but I reckon it's a matter of time before they sense it. Haha. Oh, will also be taking up my role as CKP soon. Time to revert back to my old self. No point walking around like a decent man when I'm really not. Haha. I bet Celine is totally agreeing with me. She was constantly surprised by the many sides I'm portraying to her. Haha.

Life is fun when what you do constantly surprises people. ;)

another day

2010-01-25T18:36:00.002+08:00

So what day again is it today? It's my BIRTHDAY! :)

Yet, somehow today seem just like another day. Or rather, I've already celebrated with the people I want most already. CKP, family and MOCs! Haha.

I must say this year is a little surprised for me. Each group mentioned above gave me more than I expected! Amazing isn't it? Well, I'll post more later should time permit, I need to get back to my 100+ web assignment. :(

Doing tutorials on my birthday. I supposed it's part and parcel of growing up. :)

Some interesting video which you can ponder over.

giving thanks

2010-01-25T01:22:00.002+08:00

This week has been a very fulfilling week for me. Perhaps it was because my birthday is today or maybe because I'm really beginning to understand what it means to fall in love again. Either way, I'm really glad for all that's happened. For good and bad. :)

Not intending to make this a long post, so I'll most probably just end here. Yes, shortest isn't it? Haha. In any case, here's the list of people I'm giving thanks to:

1. My Family

2. CKP

3. SA brothers

4. Berlin

5. Ivory

6. MOC

7. Edwin

8. James, Jun Long & Kang Hao

9. RSPHI folks in general

10. Traces

11. Wai Ting

12. Mun Ling

And yes, some other random people...nah, of course not! Haha. There're really a lot more people, but ya, can't quite recall now. Haha. Well, off to bed. It's been a real entertaining week. Shall find time in later week to blog. Some photos to upload too! :)

Hear Me

2010-01-22T00:46:00.003+08:00

A story that made me about to cry when I watched it the first time and second.

First time was when I was at Isaac's place with MOCs. I reached late and only managed to catch the final section, yet, I can feel the sense of connection and love between the two main characters.

The second time I watched was with RSPHI people. And we watched it in the cinema. GTT, YN, MY, Celine all watched already, but came down again to watch too. Haha. MOCs are sometimes really crazy people.

MOCs over these past 2 months has risen in ranks among many of my friends. They are almost as comparable to CKP. When I shared this with CKP, CKP was a little sad, but they understand because this is my interest. Haha. I'm really thankful for having CKP around because each time I see them, I'm reminded again that I'm not walking this path alone.

MOCs somehow reminds me of Berlin. Someone who may not always be there, but will definitely go ALL THE WAY to help you. MOCs has really been a morale booster in the trying times of wooing ML. Haha. Well, I mustn't forget Berlin, or she'll definitely kill me. Right Berlin? :)

Ivory is another great girl I can't forget. She even laughed at me at how silly I was when I asked her for help to draw the pretty card cover. And when I was watching the movie, flashes of scenes zoomed past me.

Still remember images of the main actor wanting to pay the bills while the lead actress was busy counting money. She got fed up with the guy for disrespecting her paying her bill in coins. It brought me back to that day when I said "the pen is mightier than the sword" and was being ignored by Berlin because she has tons of respect for sword of merit at the point in time. ;)

Main female actress took up many jobs to sustain her sister and her lifestyle reminded me of Ivory's strong drive and persistence. Taking up part time study and multiple jobs to survive on her own. She is one STRONG woman I sincerely respect from the bottom of my heart. Best, I felt that I've really learnt a lot from her during this year's countdown.

Parents support to woo the girl totally reminds me of MOCs! They know the girl and they're always helping me to look out for opportunities, giving me tips t do the right thing. Even now, Celine is helping me out with her issues! I really admire their siao-on spirit.

Yet, just like all good stories, things must come to an end. I reckon that such matters really boiled down to fate. Many things have occurred along the way and somehow, my feelings for her is no longer as strong as before. If things were to force it's way through, I reckon there'll be no happy ending. Haha.

The current situation:

I feel like I'm back in the old days when I was still in primary school. I told my best friend that I like this particular girl. Next day when I went to school, I see a lot of my classmates smiling at me. When I approached this girl, she attempted to avoid me. Since then, we've become what I call "familiar strangers" (aka people you see everyday but you don't really talk to or know them).

Well, life has its twists and turns. If we were meant to be together, I believe fate will bring us back. :) Just like the recent case with Berlin, the conflict was so bad that it was beyond my limit to repair. No apologies was accepted, and best part, a twist of events, she by some unlucky means, got to understand the spot I'm in.

Don't ask me how it happened, but I know, deep down, Berlin's a friend, I'll be having for this life. And I know, that conflict will just be another storm and after this storm, we'll continue to see the rainbow again together.

As for ML, will it also have a happy ending? Honestly, I can tell you, I don't have the answer. Everyday talking her seem like a mystery to me. Someone whom I don't even know I really like or don't like. When in front of MOCs, I really want to show my true feelings that I no longer have that strong attraction, still the fear of disappointing them pains a little. I feel like I'm again back in old school, where I've to perform to expectations.

Oh, I got confirmations that Sean really does like her! Things are getting interesting. Haha. Like what Celine mentioned, ML seems like hot stuff. Right Berlin? Haha.

fun

2010-01-18T19:12:00.002+08:00

It's been some real fun these days. Maybe after joining RSPHI, things have really changed. Meeting up with them in school even for a short while is like a battery charger. It feels good, maybe because we now somehow share some uncommon bond. Haha.

Friday biz mag was a blast. We smoke the other biz mags with a unknown stranger, well, not exactly unknown to me, just an acquaintance I got to know in the afternoon. Another one is my friend, who doesn't even hold a position in biz mag. The meeting was fruitful and very hilarious.

Saturday was more of campus tour, understanding my school more and yes, PARENT'S DAY. Till now, I can't believe I actually went. Still, it was a good experience. :) I got to know a Prof who's totally hilarious, fun-loving. More importantly, he's the one who's constantly sending stupid mails to our webmail in school to perk our moods. LOL!

That night was rather heavy in mood because I'd some investment class going on. The students were, well, facing some of their respective challenges and I'm glad I was somehow able to help them in some ways. Oh, the night rounded off with MOC group convo. Like what GTT mentioned, it starting to feel weird without a group convo every night. Haha.

Sunday was another fun day. Woke up early in morning to help out in shop. Then spend the afternoon watching HALF of Avatar when my sister suddenly mentioned that she wanted to watch too. So we finally planned on Sunday to watch it. A little lag, but yeah, great to watch it on BIGGER screen. :)

Night went for family dinner and it was also interesting. We took turns to ask one another where to eat for dinner and I reckon we spent around 15 minutes in the car mapping out the places where to eat. LOL. And we finally settled down on Novena Square, where I managed to taste another flavour of yogurt ice-cream. Haha.

Today was as high as before. I'm all totally pumped up, even though I'm only surviving with only 5h of sleep and SO many things yet to be done. Haha. Loving each day more and more. Oh, I also happened to meet 2 friends whom I haven't really contact consecutively. SO QIAO! Haha.

Well, back to work then. Enough talking, more action is needed! :)

What did I learn today?
How to enjoy everyday of my life on a higher scale! Somehow, I learnt that for me to really wanting to attract the person I like, I reckon I need to bring up my level of play. And what better way to bring up the level than to savour every moment of it!

What have I enjoyed/ contributed?
To learn how to take things easy, don't think too much and let actions do the talking. No talk, just more actions. Less thinking about failures/ feedbacks, just more refinements and readjustments. :)

What have I enjoyed today?
EVERY MOMENT! OMG, I've reached the stage! Haha. Ok, I think I need to do it on a more frequent basis. The only thing I thought it was interesting was, I was supposed to be transferring some money from my OCBC to UOB, and the machine actually refused to eject my card. Damn! Still, I thought it was somehow fated because my bulk of investment money is in OCBC, and the transaction has to go through UOB. So "smart" right? Haha. Guess what, the climax is not there yet. The investment dateline for the IPO stock is 8am in morning. I managed to reach the atm before 8am. I'm still entitled to the transaction, BUT because I couldn't withdraw $ from my OCBC account, I'm quite stuck and can't do no shit. Haha. That's a CLASSIC moment to enjoy because I was smiling from ear to ear, thinking to myself, what a FOOL I've been. Somehow it was like I wasn't meant to buy it! Haha.

Well, guess that's all for now, as for ML's case, news has spread that I like her. Haha. So funny. MOC knows about it and the fun part, I'm not as concerned as I used to be! Haha. Frankly, I think this game will get really interesting because this will very much depends on her reactions now. She's now living in reaction more than initiation. I on the other hand feels utterly great. Or at least, I now know that she knows. Haha. So it won't be a great surprise to her a second time when I tell her. :)

On hindsight, I reckon there'll be 2 possibilities.

1) She'll play the avoidance card, ignoring me whenever possible.
2) She'll ignore that she has learnt that fact and continue as per normal, probably with MORE precaution now. Haha.

Well, whatever the case, I feel like I'm more of a commentator reporting events that actually being on the field playing the game now! Am I weird or what? Lol.

all about her.

2010-01-14T21:51:00.003+08:00

That was what my life was about before school starts. Constant messaging, attempting to find ways to talk, even when I was most busy.

Again, a twist of fate, some changes of events. Things changed so quickly. It's no longer the happy ending I desired. Yet, I'm still clueless at where this is going as well.

Ivory asked a very interesting question.

Ivory:" Are you someone who strive on results?"
Tin:"I don't really know."

In fact, on hindsight, I think I do. In relationship, in business, in life overall. Who doesn't? But when things don't go according to plan or as what we want, I realized I'm like a small kid, who will sit there, wait for things to change before I begin taking up actions again.

But this time, I know it's partially me being petty, I know I could be much more forgiving. Yet, I don't know why, I can't understand myself why I can't let those little things go.

Scene 1:
The one-liner replies I've been receiving towards the starting of school. It's a little disappointing, but well, like Berlin said, she could have been busy.

My stand:
Busy for so many days that replying to a friend with a one-liner is very rude. If I'm truly busy, I would explain to my friend that I'm busy and that I'll call back again some other time. None for after all, I'm just another mere friend.

Scene 2:
I asked her if she would want to go home together. She answered probably. I was rounding up some biz mag stuff and before I know it, she just left. I was absolutely speechless after that. Best part, when we managed to reach the same bus stop, she just board another bus. Maybe a direct bus to her place.

My stand:
I no longer take this event to heart. I admitted that this was probably a misunderstanding that resulted in such awkward ending. Then again, there were times I hope she'd waited just a while for me.

Scene 3:
I think this one is a classic. There were some canvassing event going on and it requires the volunteers' contact list, meaning, address, NRIC, shirt size, NOK etc. I messaged her to ask for her details and she replied she needed to check with her parents again. Well, she has curfew I understand, but then, it sounded like she didn't trust me at all with her details.

My stand:
I don't blame her for this. Really. I know girls are really sensitive about giving their details to others. Perhaps she has some bad experience with stalkers or similar events. Then again, it sounded like she just didn't want to release this piece of information. Well, back again, I'm just another acquaintance.

Scene 4:
I asked if she was going for meeting because I want to travel home with her after meeting. She replied that I could travel home with her, together with whoever is going home in the same direction.

My stand:
I just didn't know how to respond to this. Perhaps I'm just not good enough at giving hints that I would like to spend some personal time with her. Maybe, I'm just another "weird" person who's another attention seeker.

Bottom Line: I'm a little tired of this game. Of course, if given a chance, I really would love to know what's going on and what the hell is she thinking. Then again, me being a petty ass, I decided, perhaps certain things, left unexplained, is easier to leave that person.

FAQ:
Are you sad?
DUH. I've been drowning myself in sleep these couple of days just to get over this stupid things.

What next?
I reckoned I would follow Ivory's advice. Maybe topping up a little of my own also.

Just follow the flow. --- From Ivory

有缘千里能相见，无缘对面不相逢。--- A little of my thoughts.

Another interesing thing also. I got a feeling, one of my friend likes her. Haha. I told MOC about this and Celine's reaction was hilarious. She said that she can't imagine both of them together. Well, for me, I definitely will feel disappointed, but then again, I realized, I'm just a nobody. Nobody dont' deserve such a pretty and bubbly girl. They deserve nobody. They're meant to be alone in this world, they walk alone and they're total strangers to people. And I strongly believe that this friend of mine will be able to provide her much better because of the fact that he's a nice guy. ;)

Haha. I sound like a loser don't I? Well, for this round, I admit defeat. Sincerely, I don't know what, where, how I can improve or change anything. Nor do I foresee myself having the time nor capability to accommodate to her needs at this current level of play I'm in. Well, I just hope she would find what she wants in the end and I pray that she would be as merry as I've known her through this whole year.

Words I wished I could tell her but I'm just too afraid to say so.

And this was one of the songs I think she liked quite a lot.

I would also be doing a final video before I finally close this chapter. I aint' good at anything, except to say goodbye. So a final gift before my departure. :)

Tiring

2010-01-13T00:50:00.002+08:00

So many things come and go at the same time. The large influx of activities, coupled with so many more things, really making me go bonkers. It's like a juggler, juggling so many balls at one time and yet maintaining the stand and keeping cool.

Haven't really started on any homework. Feeling a little guilty, considering that I'm supposed to be doing it on a daily basis, or minimally, on a bi-daily basis. Past two days have been busy clearing mails, doing RSPHI stuff and yes, helping out in shop.

Ivory recently also going through some "drama". I can't exactly say it's drama, but it seems like she's moving on into a different phase of life. She's undergoing another process of metamorphosis, that much I can accurately say. Still, I'm a little worried for her.

There're some photos I wanted to upload, but it's getting late & I'm real tired. Perhaps I'll do it when I'm in school tomorrow. Till then, I'm not going to take any significant actions except to know her more.

Knowing and understanding yourself is an art. Getting to know and understand another person, is a finer art...

What did learn today?

Not to let feelings get the best of you. I was in a dazed these 2 days. Not sure if I'm still figuring how to readjust my bio clock, or that it's the mystery of longing for this person. A little perturbed that I'm in constant daze for, not a while, but a very LONG while. I'm snapping myself in and out of this mode for a couple of times through these days. Just want to get my old hyper self back!

And yes, gaining awareness, is my first lesson. ;)

What have I improved/ contributed?

Juggling the many things at once at still learning to survive the ordeal of it. Also gained better awareness and was being fair to myself, no more negativity for the last couple hours of the day.

What have I enjoyed?

Messaging her. So BS. Her reply was short, not what I envisioned and better still, I think Ivory is right, I think too much! Haha. And I enjoy this statement to a certain degree, because thinking is my hobby, my interest and is what keeps me improving after all. :)

Isn't life just fun when you're finding so hard to find the tip of balance and just out of the blue, some random events or people just crashed your weighing skill? :)

(

falling prey

2010-01-08T12:11:00.003+08:00

Woman can either make or break a man. --- Napoleon Hill

I can attest to this particular statement with my own personal experience. Somehow, things seem to be good with ML for the past couple of days. Today somehow seem a little different.

Wednesday

Haha. This is one of the classic moron story of a guy who doesn't know what to do when he likes a girl and the day is the girl's birthday. I spent the bulk of the day sleeping until I realized that I'm supposed to do something because it's her birthday. It's so hilarious. No idea what to get for present, no idea whether to do a handmade card or get a card from the stores.

Night came and finally, thanks to Ivory's quick wit and assistance, I somehow managed to pull some things together in a very short time at Northpoint. Got a cake from bakerzin (my fav), a card from Kalm's and we went to macdonald to add design to the card and yes, for me to fill in the blanks in the card. Wanted to get her a present, but can't exactly find any that caught my eye.

It was also rather funny because while we were shopping for present, I had a phone call coming in and it's related to business. I even asked Ivory to take a pick at the present as I was busy with the call. She nearly wanted to kill me for doing that. Haha.

So at 10.20pm, I managed to reach Woodlands and celebrated her birthday with her. A pity I didn't remember to take photo, the cake was awesome to say the least. The celebration was, somewhat different in some way. Honestly, I never expected myself to do such things, but yes, it's really funny. I even called up a friend to ask him where's a good place to chill out and finally found a park in a nearby area. It reminded me of a joke I always love to tell PG, the government is good that he's building a park behind my place and that once the park is done, I'm going to bring the girl I like to this park. Haha.

Well, the only thing I thought I could have improved was actually to SEND HER HOME. OMG, I seriously don't know how I can actually let this kind of thing slipped my mind. Lol. Oh well, a learning journey as always. Haha.

Oh, you got to see the cover specially designed by Ivory. I love it so much! It was so artistically designed.

It's so obvious that those words on the back weren't from me! Haha. Must put a disclaimer to that because I can't take credit for something which I didn't write. Well, it's really sweet of Ivory to write those things in. Maybe deep down, she wanted people to call her that! Haha. In any case, it was a really great artwork. I felt that I've hit a grand slam for that evening. It won't be possible if it weren't a push from a very great friend. Thanks Ivory!

Thursday

Had a dental appointment in the morning, which I forgot to bring my retainers. :( Send the car for checking in the afternoon and went for a outing with MOC at night. The MOC outing was a usual, fun, nice and yes, HIGH. Haha. It's indeed a very special time whenever I'm with them. It somehow resembles the feelings I get when I'm with CKP, but it touches me in a different way.

Came home and got a few queries I needed to know. Gave Ivory a ring and asked her for some advice. She was a little perturbed at how technical I was at certain areas. It was so hilarious when she knows that I'm a ANALytical person. Haha. But as I always explained, this skill has allowed me to grow in a certain extent to where I am today.

Friday

Today woke up rather "early", around 10am. Message ML as usual. Somehow though, things were a little cold. She had those short little replies and when I texted her. And when I asked for her address regarding for a canvassing event, she declined and hesitated if she should be going. Oh well, I'm a little disappointed. It feels like I'm not a trustworthy person yet. In any case, who am I? Just a nobody. :)

I don't know why, but every time I'm reminded that I'm a nobody, I feel very happy. Because I know, there's nothing worse than being a nobody, so it's time to bounce back up from the bottom once again.

Well, time to clear the things which I've been owing to myself.

There's no time to be afraid. There's no time to be scared. There's no such thing as giving up. There's only these things called perseverance, love and success.

Another battle lost.

2010-01-06T00:15:00.003+08:00

The topic somehow soound very demoralizing right? In fact, it is. Or more accurately, it was. Today was another emotional roller coaster ride so to speak.

Morning:
I managed to clear part of my cupboard. Cleared the "decorative items" that had been collecting dust for a VERY long time. I washed some of them, but some of them most probably will either be giving it away or throw away. Reused the same space to put my beloved books. :)

Afternoon:
I don't know how, but I managed to persuade ML to go down for the event and had lunch with me. Whoosh! We headed down to SAdeaf together and bumped into Celine, Jiayi and Huiyuan unknowingly. Best part, I didn't even realized they were on the bus till all of us alighted. It felt somewhat awkward and embarrassing after that when Celine and I were talking about it after the event. Celine was telling me how cock eye I was and how quote and quote "obvious" both of us were together on bus talking so loudly. Lol.

Well, the best compliment I received was that we were "progressing" quite well. You see the inverted commas? Meaning, I really don't know where this is leading frankly. I felt like I'm a green horn again after making so many mistakes from my attempts to woo a girl. It feels like I've still much more to learn from the rest what I should do and not do. Haha. Till now, I'm grinning from ear to ear whenever I thought about the lunch and the journey. Haha.

The SAdeaf program organized by the RSPHI seniors were as expected, giving another mind-blowing and fun session. I totally enjoyed my MOC group and yes, especially the video the seniors made. I'll be uploading the video so you guys can view it too! Haha. The seniors really brought a whole new meaning of montage to anther level. Haha.

The trip back home was a little disappointing though. I was expecting to go home with her, maybe not together but more of a group and she just left without telling me. Oh well, I supposed now I know where I stand minimally.

Night:
The evening a real disaster for me. I didn't got time to prepare for my speech, I screwed it up big time, (even though the mentors were commenting that I was a confident speaker). The one thing I couldn't take was that I was not organized. And to me, the is one of the greatest violation of my rules and standards. I can't stand it when I'm disorganized. Argh...

And to make matters worse, I was somewhat reprimanded indirectly for my wrong dress code. I can't exactly wear shoes now because I've a nasty blisters so I wore sandals. And I wore berms because it feels wrong to wear jeans in slippers or sandals. It feels...weird. Haha. The ex-president then came out, gave a 5 minutes lecture on how the dress code should be like and he also commented that I said at least 40 times of actually in my speech.

It was a major blow to me. I lost my mood to join them for the coffee session after that and headed back home directly. While waiting for bus, I was on the verge of breakdown. The following were my thoughts, for a moment.

My greatest sense of achievement in speaking was a complete disaster this evening. The one and only thing I'm best at is now another fiasco. I'm supposed to be a motivator and yet I can't fucking speaking properly.

I'm supposed to be a motivator excelling in all areas and apparently my studies is like fucking shit. And I'm going to be someone's tutor. How the fuck am I supposed to walk the talk? Who am I to teach in situation like this?

My relationship sucks, I don't even know how to talk to a girl properly. My family is like a disaster which sometimes I don't know what I should do to improve the bonding between my brother and family.

I feel like I'm just like the person in Fireproof. Just a shell that looks nice on the cover, but inside is fucking hollow. I was praying very sincerely that this shitty feeling would go away soon. I also visioned myself kneeling at the Si Ma Lu temple praying.

And I'm really thankful that my prayers were answered in such short notice. And like all prayers, they were answered in unexpected ways.

The thoughts I'd when I was in the bus were totally off my charts and expectations. It was like a debate going on and I felt like I was having some form of split personality.

Vincent: I'm a useless person. I can't seem to do well at anything.

Tin: You fucking piece of shit, can you get your fucking attitude right and do things right for once.

Vincent: All that I did, I did it all wrong. My business isn't functioning properly, I flung my studies and I can't seem to do well even in my speech. I'm like a loser who's good at nothing.

Tin: You're fucking noob and weak. If you want your business to grow, you need to do things to improve. Sulking will not fucking help you. You think you feel moody will help you? No way! Want to improve on your studies? Then be fucking consistent and do your fucking tutorials. Don't just laze around and stop doing unnecessary stuff. You want to be good at speech or want to take part in speech competition, then fucking PREPARE. You didn't even fucking prepare for today's speech. Only a 20 minutes preparation will fucking bring you no where. And you don't even know the title of the speech until you this afternoon. You're a fucking lazy bump.

Vincent: And I can't even get a second chance to reconcile the relationship with Berlin.

Tin: You're a fucking idiot. You want a second chance? Don't wait for people to give you. Fight it and earn it. You think just by sitting around she'll give you the opportunity to talk to her? Earn it! You're fucking useless if you just sit around and wait for the opportunity to come. Walk the talk. Be sorry, ask for forgiveness and rework your way back up. She's someone special to you. So don't fucking lose her like some losers. Who the fuck are you? You're not some fucking losers, you're a motivator! Hello! WALK THE FUCKING TALK!

Vincent: And I don't think I stand a chance to win ML's heart. I think if school starts, things will be different. She'll resume back to her normal life and I'll resume with mine. Furthermore, with the intention of joining the speech competition, I don't think I'll have time for relationship.

Tin: You're fucking useless you know. You're like a flower who can't even withstand a small drops of rain. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO SURVIVE IN A FUCKING STORM? You're just finding excuses just so she'll not reject you. You're finding ways so you can escape from popping the question to her and you're just giving up. CAN YOU BE A FUCKING MAN? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR BALLS? Have you lost it along the way? Do you need me to find them for you? Can you just be a man, do what you can now and see how it progress? If she likes you, you've a chance. If she doesn't, then it's time to move on. There are so many girls, will another NO cost you your life? NO. So be a FUCKING MAN, woo her like a FUCKING MAN!

OMG! Can you imagine the intensity of the anger and stupidity I was going through? Maybe you can't. Let me tell you. It was super encouraging. I then realized, I do indeed thrive in negative situations and yes, I do have split personality. When I came back, I was in a much lighter mood. Initially, I was about to adopt Ivory's method of walking the desparity off. But after that particular debate, I felt empowered all of a sudden. Stepping home, I feel good in fact. (wanted to use actually, but I've decided to take it off my vocabulary because it was one of the greatest insult in my entire life).

I came home, I htht with my dad! Haha. So dramatic right? Nah, I didn't tell him what I was going through, but it was more of a family problem. About the shop, finance and my brother as usual. I was very surprised that I chatted with him for nearly two straight hours! Even my mom commented that we'd so much to talk that we can talk till 12am! By the way, my dad (shit, i typed actually but deleted), sleeps early. Around 11+ he'll be knocked out but we chatted till 12am! Amazing totally.

For this year, I've decided, things are going to be really different. I'll be like what Ivory said, the format for the blog will be systematic, which honestly I don't think it's a great compliment for blog entries. Nevertheless, I take it as a compliment. Haha. So yes, I'll be helping my dad out for the weekends, and yes, I'll be adding more stuff to the format. So here goes!

What did I learn today?
SO MUCH! I don't even know where to begin. Htht with my dad, how to get out of depressed states, how to better improve on my speeches etc. Basically, the main points I've already spelled out so vividly above. Oh, I'll DEFINITELY delete "actually" from this day onwards. Yes, it's a promise, just like how I've deleted "t-r-y". I know I won't be succeeding in short period of time, BUT I believe it'll be out of my system VERY SOON! Haha.

What have I improved/ contributed?
Honestly, I don't think I've improved anything except one thing, to have a humble mindset and that I must definitely put in the hard work to reap my rewards. Like what Jim Rohn said, 6 days of labour, 1 day of rest! :)

What have I enjoyed?
Man, isn't this obvious! Of course it's lunch with ML! Haha. I don't know why, but I just feel so comfortable talking to her and she makes me feel like I'm in love again. Shall see where we progress. I'm intending of express my interest in her in the coming weeks. I'll take on the approach of make or break stage. I've got insufficient time. Or rather, I'm bad at managing so many things at one go, studies, speech competition, investment, business. I think I'll go nuts. And among all, BGR is not my priorty. So if she accepts, I'll continue the wooing process. If she refrains, I sincerely hope we still can be friends but yes, I'll definitely won't be putting that much attention on her any more.

Stupid? Well, I love risks! Just like bridge, I always like to share with beginners who's learning bridge. It's a game to play with balls. No balls, don't bid. Got balls, bid as high as you can. I've finally found my balls back thanks to Tin, sounds so wrong, but yes. So make or break. No longer I decide, but her! Lol!

Review 2009

2010-01-03T00:13:00.002+08:00

2009 has been a roller coaster ride for me. From happy moments like creating a company, to angry moments of small fights with family, scary moments when my mom was hospitalized during my exam period, stupid moments of pushing Berlin away and really loving moments with CKP and RSPHI folks.

Looking back, I cherish every moments of all these things. Despite things I've done I've regretted, things I wished I could take back, I accepted my fate. I'm not giving up, I'm just saying that it makes me who I am. It likes the 7th bun story, all the culmination of these little experiences, make up who I am today.

Happy Moments (Jan)

I've never ever felt more happy when I know that I'm finally out of service at the start of the year. It's my first month into my driving in January and it's also my first and last time driving far distance alone. Many thanks to that silly accident I'd with another car, I was kinda on probation under my parents until they deem I'm fit to drive alone. :(

Still, because of that accident, I've learnt to drive a REAL safety distance, so much so that James even commented that even a Jaguar is sufficient to fill the gap. Haha. Of course, it's one year now and I can officially take off the P plate. I'd prefer it there. It reminds me that I'm still have more I've yet to learn.

Elated Moments (Mar to April)

I can't recall much, but the gist of it was, both James and I have been so pissed off that we're procrastinators. So much so that, we agreed, let's do our classes the following day after our discussion. And we did. Because of the class, it was really encouraging to see positive response and we started our company in April. You can very well say we started operations for our baby company even before we registered the company. Lol.

Business was still manageable and we did make profit on the very first day of business. Haha. I always like to share how both James & I started out company. From zero, not hero yet, but we're somehow working there. It's time to work our ass off and see some better results.

Grinning From Ear to Ear (May to July)

The period where the stock market finally rallied after it tanked so much! Yes! Months of good profits and yes, some even doubled. I still have some positions from my previous entry and I'm proud of what I've accomplished in this arena. I've even extended to a couple of really close friends who trust me with their hard-earned money and has been making some profits. Not a lot, but will make it more consistent in future.

Oh, I've also joined Salsa during this period time and made some really close friends. Some even companied me till wee hours in morning to dance and yes, keep me company. Haha. I've also learned a lot of business skills and how to liase with real entrepreneurs like June & Jackson who have been so successful with their Salsa business. Did I mention PG is also their partner? Cool isn't it? :)

And I've also joined Ignite Change Camp while waiting for school to start. It's a "recruitment" camp for WSC and sadly, the inviter, Joey didn't manage to get me to join RSPVH. I joined RSPHI instead. I really feel very sorry for Joey, but I've tons of fun in HI. Haha.

New experience (Aug)

My, August is like my, virgin month for many things. I've started quite a few ventures. My mom finally persuaded me to take a look at Toastmaster and man, I fell in love with it at first sight. Supportive environment, I can acquire speaking and communication skills from this place and yes, I get to network with business people and very influential and powerful people. :)

My school had begun and I must say the experience was good. Seeing new faces, meeting new people, everything was great until....

Turning point (Oct)

Somehow, things took a dip in October. Somewhere along the line, I no longer do my homework as faithfully, began slacking quite a bit and yes, results were junk for mid terms. Still, I believe I could empower myself because I'm a motivator, so I continued this mentality. Yet, my actions have yet to correct and so...

Crashed & burned (Nov)

It was a real disaster. I didn't expect myself to be indulging in self-pity and wallowing away when the exams were just around the corner. I remembered, two weeks before my exams, I couldn't find the resolve nor the right mindset to sit down and study. I was...not myself. It felt like I was possessed in some ways and whenever I sit and study, I felt like I couldn't register anything in. I gave up and yes, I really gave up. I just squandered the time away till, I literally only study on the day itself, for a morning paper.

Finishing point (Dec)

I'm a little blue in the face when I realized that the song sign practice was eating away the whole of my December after the exams. I'm a little disappointed initially, but after the whole event, I felt totally awesome.

Maybe because I really loved my song sign group, they're fun loving, cheerful and yes, we did a lot of htht. Haha. Perhaps we were so bonded because of the many htht sessions. The training was tiring, from 9am to 9pm. Only get to sleep around 1am and had to wake up at 7+ just to go back school again for practice the next day. Yet, I've never regretted joining the practice. The performance was a blast, though I'd expected better turn up rate for the performance at various malls. And it's because of this song sign practice I got to know ML. :) Yeah~

Results were out also. I did as I was expected, ok, maybe better than I expected. I got a lousy score of 2.24 for my GPA. Super cui. But I passed all except computing. Zzz. I was expecting to fail maths too, considering that I literally finished the paper in 30 minutes (because I only know how to do the front part). Isn't that awesome? Ok, this is me. Regardless of the situation, I've learned to smile and yes, life goes on.

Ending off the year though was a real blast. I managed to put my vision into reality, with the help of my beloved CKP. My vision for CKP is no longer just a clique, but a family unit which all of us can be proud of. When I'd my class gathering, one of my classmate actually confessed to me that she was jealous of us because of our strong bonding. She didn't see anyone else in class bonded as strongly as our group. It surely did put a big smile on my face when she told me that a few years back.

And what Meng Hui messaged to me yesterday was absolutely touching and encouraging for me. I initiated the idea of having integrating the GFs into CKP as well, meaning, the other half of the party gets to join in even though they're not CKP. Thus far, only Clifton and Meng Hui are attached (oh, Hui just got attached in Dec). So that makes the total number of people 6.

David along the way, was somewhat lost in his endearvours. I don't know why the group feel so strongly he should leave, but I certainly hope that one day, he'll return to us again. Oh, I digressed. Hui mentioned that CKP is like a family, the same sentiment I wanted to create when I initiated the idea. To be a family, not just friends, close friends or just a clique, but a family. A loving family. Perhaps I got this reference from another group of young adults who just stepped into the work force and they were meeting up. The table were mostly attached.

That was the vision I had in mind - creating another family unit outside of my family. And I'm glad, with the help of CKP, we managed to pull through the havoc countdown with great fun and laughter.

The last evening was a little different with the presence of Ivory. She was invited for the gathering with CKP. Initially she was a little perturbed and distracted, until I finally hit her hot button of asking her to be herself. It was so hilarious. If only you could see her reaction when I said that particular statement, she totally reverted back to her old self. It was also very sweet of her when she mentioned that I was gentleman, when in actual fact, I've doing the same thing in normal days. Lol!

The countdown and fireworks was a little emotional for me. It reminded me of life itself. Some people work a life time, putting all their heart and soul, just for that moment's glory, fame and power. And before we know it, life ends just there. It's like the fireworks slowly making its way to the top, only to shine for that short moments only. And because we were blocked by trees and buildings, it just like life where your power of influence and appreciation can only be accepted and recognized by people around you. Life is just another fireworks...

The returning journey was a fiasco. Didn't get a cab, miss last bus and yes, it somehow gave Ivory and myself some time to connect on a different level. I don't know, when I speak to her, I felt like I always got so much I can learn from her. A person who is thick-headed and stubborn, but very intelligent and yes, full of drive, passion and hard work.

I must say I've been blessed with some very strong and influential women in my life. They've somewhat shaped who I am, moulded my thinking and strengthened me in more ways than one. First was Berlin, my sister, Ivory and my mom. No particular order, maybe chronological order of when they made their influenced. Strange isn't it, Berlin and Ivory has influenced even before my family members.

Well, Berlin was first of the relationship in college, my sister came in only after I realized she was going through a real traumatic experience this year. She survived the emotional trauma and continued to survive very strongly. Than came Ivory when I got to know she's taking up two jobs and continue to study law. When she told me that, I was a little hesitant because I thought it was impossible to do so. But when I realized that she was really capable of doing, I was stunt for a moment. I didn't know how to react to be frank. My mouth dropped for she just did the impossible. Indeed a very strong woman whom I sincerely admire.

My mom was the forth! Haha. It's a joke but yes, I got to really know her better when she injured her arm. She was hospitalized in the midst of my exams and though after going through everything alone (dad, sis and bro were working), she continued to do everything on her own whenever possible. I fetched her back from hospital after my paper that day and that began the impression of mom being strong and handling everything on her own. I didn't sense any fear or anxiety when she was wheeled into the operation room.

The incident also gave me better understanding about myself. I realized that I would void myself of any emotion whenever I feel sad, angry, or fearful. I was really empty inside I heard news of her hospitalized before my paper. It was a...empty experience. No worry, no fear, no anxiety too. Haha. Man, it felt like my heart suddenly just left my body.

With the coming year ahead, will things be any different? You bet! Here's somethings which I reckon I would be doing.

(1) Sketch out clear goals and strategies of attaining my goals for 2010.

(2) Review myself on a daily basis.

(3) Find opportunities to know ML better. :)

(4) Revert back to being a nobody (because I realized that I gained the most when I'm a nobody, I've already lost everything, so there's nothing to worry about losing anything)

(5) Continue the family culture in CKP

(6) Make a commitment to build another family within RSPHI.

(7) Help if and only if people requested my help

The greatest pitfall for me was dishing out advice when I realized that I felt like I could help the other person. When Berlin replied my mail saying that she already knew the things I've mentioned, it makes me feel like I'm some dork who doesn't know his place (no offense intended Berlin if you're reading this). When I review, I realized that it's true. Who am I to talk to someone, who is already so successful in her studies, her family, her relationship and her friends? A nobody ain't going to give advice to someone who is highly successful.

I then saw some light. I must be a nobody again. It's not the person who is powerful that wins the war, but the person who got nothing to lose that will fight with all his might. Am I too negative again? I strive in negativity. So perhaps it's time to be a real pessimist, nobody and phantom.

Seek me when you need me. Call upon me when there is no one else to call. I'll be there. Till then, I won't respond. It's time to be dumb, act dumb, and just be a dumb me! :)

new day

2009-12-31T00:39:00.003+08:00

Today has been a rather fun day. Ok, not exactly so, but more of a chill out and yes, I did managed to get some stuff done today. Felt a little accomplished in some small ways.

In the morning, I kinda woke up a little late. Hadn't really used to waking up in early morning since song sign practice. So yes, I'll be doing it tomorrow. Got to start to prepare my biological clock for school.

Did a little clean up of my place. Yes, that's one of the accomplishment. Managed to continue my momentum of keeping in touch with my mentor, Tony, and yes, I did had some breaks. Ok, more of like sleep. Went to hang out with Ivory at Yishun NorthPoint. Had a waffle to re-energize and I must say NP has really change quite a fair bit from the last time I went there. I know it has expanded, but not the extent of so much additional area. Haha. I was still thinking of going Woodlands library when Ivory told me there's a library in NP itself. *shocks* Lol.

Ivory did a little lingerie shopping and I felt a little awkward, so I decided to stay outside the shop. Man, I thought girls usually do this things with their boyfriends. She's one weird girl. Then we headed to the Jap foodcourt. Yes, it's a pure Jap foodcourt. It feels totally awesome to speak the least. It feels posh, nice and I'm not sure about the pricing of the food, but it sure did smell delicious. Haha. A pity I got to have dinner at home though.

Came home, hit the sack again after slacking for a while. Clear some of my emails, tied up some loose ends, and yes, I FINALLY found some courage and momentum to continue editing my company website. Lol. It's still damn cui, but I reckon I've gained a little more insights on certain things. Will continue again tomorrow.

And yes, I also helped cleaned up my unnecessary folders and items in my computer and hard disk. Today just felt like a day of spring cleaning. Haha. A little at least. Getting ready for the mood. ;)

What did I learn today?

I learned how to have better control of my actions today and yes, I managed to drag myself out of bed to finish what was needed to be done today. Oh, yes, my mentor also mentioned that references does not necessarily have to come from the past, it can be from the future as well. How? From faith and imagination. This concept totally thrown me off course and gave me a new light to a lot of things. :)

What have I improved or contributed?

My actions and thoughts! And yes, all those things I've mentioned above. Long story short, I just think I've got better control of my actions today.

What have I enjoyed?

Hmm. Getting things done? I don't really know this question for today. Man, it's a tough one. Hmm.

Sending my mom to hospital for her check-up and her saying thanks to me. Yeah, I think I enjoyed that moment despite the fact that I was the chauffeur for her. It makes me feel like, I've contributed in some sense. And of course, the sense of fulfillment when I've managed to take small actions gearing towards my financial goal!

Fulfilling

2009-12-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

Every time I finished my lessons with my students, I always feel like I've accomplished something great, something meaningful. It really feels good when I hear that I've impacted their lives in some positive way. I've also shared with them the song I recently like a lot - together we are one.

Nothing special. Perhaps the Garang Guni Flyer was something I don't usually do. Still, seeing her today, feels good. It somewhat feel awkward that I didn't exactly go to her to talk to her, but it feels good. Perhaps I was afriad? Hmm. Afraid of what exactly? I'm not sure. Scared that people know? In fact, I was a little surprised that my group's HTHT session actually accidentally leaked out some information. What exactly, I don't know. Honestly, I'm not surpirsed if news spread like wildfire. What will I do then? Hmm. I really don't know. Haha.

I love journeys when I don't know what's ahead. It makes me feel uncertain, makes me feel like I can experiment with different things instead of the usual same routine. Yes, it's definitely going to be scary, but it's also going to be fun. We shall see what comes next and maybe it's time I craft out a plan of actions on what I need to do. Tony is right, it's better to live in action then live in reaction. Time to change my strategy. Plan, plan and more planning.

What did I learn today?
I've learn that I need to ask myself the right questions in order to perform better, have fun and enjoy every moment. Tony guided me that in order for me to have a better quality of life, I need to ask the "right" questions, questions that empower me and not destroy me, encourages me and not lower my morale. I'll need to raise my standards and I definitely need to take actions. After all, life rewards action-orientals. So I supposed if I really want to improve my relationship with ML, I'll need some form of plan to knwo her better and ask her out. :)

What have I improved or contributed?
Frankly, I reckoned I learn to take action now if it can be done today. Yesterday, I took the whole night to prepare for today's slide, write the reply mail back to Berlin and yes, sleep early. I've putting the last one away for a very long time, time to readjust my bio clock back to school time!

Preparation usually was done on my training day itself when I'm giving my lessons, but it changed for yesterday! Wow! Great improvement. Procrastionation level down! Sweet! Oh, I've also pluck up the courage to reply the mail from Berlin. I think I deserve a pat on my back! The reply mail was really painful to write, absolutely one of the longest (in terms of time) because I really don't know how I should put thoughts to words when I've been dub as a lousy communicator who deserves lessons taught in school. Well, I take that as a form of improvement for me. Hard to swallow, considering that I'm giving talks on communication, success, and positive conditioning. A little off my chart, but deep down, I sincerely believe she spoke her mind and I accept it. It should be true then I do have rooms for improvement. No doubt. She rarely catches such things wrongly. So I will improve. Not only for her, but also for my future.

Oh, I also did contribute to Yellow Ribbon Project. So ya. Think that is all.

What have I enjoyed?
Definitely the zuo-bo session with RSPHI folks. Man, they're lame, hyper active, and absolutely crazily fun people. This is one of the many times when I feel I'm like home, I feel connected and somewhat a sense of belonging. After the session, it really makes me feel fulfilled and feels like I've connected truely what I want to do and where I belong. The kind of feeling where it feels like I'm back with my clique, just that this time, it's a different group of people. Some what, funny I feel, because I only feel so when I'm with some people in the group, not all. Maybe that's why there're difference between acquaintances and friends? :)

And I like to do some sharing also. Quote and quote, from another mentor of mine, Napoleon Hill.

Man's greatest motivating force is to please a woman!

I especially like the next one because it somehow fits the description of the relationship I'm having with Berlin.

If you believe yourself unfortunate, bacause you have "love and lost", perish the thought. One who has loved truly, can never lose entirely. Love is whimsical and temperamental. Its nature is ephermeral, and transitory. It comes when it pleases, and goes away without warning. Accept and enjoy it while it remains, but spend no time worrying about its departure. Worry will never bring it back.

How true indeed! And it's exactly the same philosophy I adopted when replying the mail last night. Though I'm somewhat lost at what's the current state, nor do I have the courage to properly ask where I stand, I ended off the mail that stating that regardless of what happens, I'll always be within reach when needed.

The next one is equally true and heart-felt.

Memories of love never pass. They linger, guide and INFLUENCE long after the source of stimulation has faded. There is nothing new in this. Every person, who has been moved by GENUINE LOVE, knows that it leaves endurig traces upon the human heart. The effect of love endures, because love is spiritual in nature.

Well, I supposed I said enough. Time to move on to next episode.

I'm organizing a CKP gf-blend in session. CKP is an all-guy team, but recently Hui got attached as well. I really feel very happy for him. Now, it's time for both Clifton and Hui to bring their gf into the group. Surprisingly, I'm the one who initiated this idea, because I wanted the group to bond, not only as all guys, but also together with their gfs. I want to start a family of friends, not just close friends and buddies, but a real family love for one another. Perhaps this the sense of connection I have yet to truly experience with a girl I love, so this is my replacement for it? Maybe? Or perhaps I'm just really into building family units everywhere I go. A tradition that has been passed down to me from home, in SAS and definitely in yj (ok, maybe not so much in yj as compared to the other two). RSPHI, as of now, is officially my next family unit!

Three cheers to my new family unit! Melodies of Christmas too! Shiok!

phase change

2009-12-27T19:27:00.002+08:00

Water boils to become water at 100 degrees.
Water freezes to become ice at 0 degrees.
Tin changes too wants it hits his threshold.

All matter are the same, living or non-living. And so, I'm proud to say, I've once again hit a new level of threshold and I'm undergoing another level of phase change again.

I got acquainted with an old friend from JC again. Kept in touch with a SUPER old friend in BMT and more importantly, I've gained more insights about myself.

Quite honestly, I'm now ready to rise to the challenge. I've somewhat got an infatuation for this girl now. Initially I was a little hesitant, but after given some thoughts, I think I should just go for it. Even if it fails, I know I'm proud to say "I've attempted before". And even then, I supposed I'll continue to pursue my dream.

Like what Tony Robbins said, it's time to raise the standard, ask new questions, eat, live and breathe positivity. With a a new year coming, I too must change. Not only to survive, but to excel.

So as of my new format of blogging, I'll end off with this three questions. And most probably, I'll have a daily update as well.

What did I learn today?
Being in the shop after a long break from RSPHI performance, it's nice to be back and interact with the customers. There was one particular customer that didn't have the right tone, nor the right voice. Choice of words weren't exactly fantastic and it was a morale destroyer.

A true challenge. I learnt to continue to smile despite the fact that he/she was unreasonable, continue to treat the person courteously. Guess what? When I finished serving the customer and finally able to breathe again, the person actually smiled back and me and thank me!

WOW! There really totally interrupt my pattern for a while. My first emotion was anger, then resentment and after that was humility (because I've to swallow my pride to serve this unreasonable customer). Then there was...sweetness. It's nothing like I've felt before.

It's somewhat similar to you helping others in small little ways and they smiled back and you. But this feeling was better. It's like you went through some hell of a shit to get that smile. Then it struck me. If this is the same kind of things I've to go through to attain my goals, amend my wrongs with my relationship with Berlin, pursue my dream girl, maintain relationship with CKP.

I'm more than happy to. Like what I've shared with my friends, it's called the law of exchange. If you want something, you got to trade back something in return.

What have I improved or contributed?
Well, I've learnt how to better control my emotion, if there's any gauge bar, I would say my EQ has definitely risen a little. :)

What have I enjoyed today?
I've sure did enjoy seeing her online today, though didn't get to chat with her. LOL. Oh, of course, the smile from that particular customer. And of course, having my family dinner as usual. Did I mention that the dinner this evening was the quickest, earliest and fastest? Woohoo...

Oh, I've also received 2 more students for my investment! Nice. Will need to prepare my slides now. Time to right the wrongs and continue to improve on the strengths!

Success is truly within reach if action and momentum continues!

Song Sign Performance

2009-12-21T02:53:00.002+08:00

It's FINALLY OVER~

Haha. I felt ULTRA UBER HIGH today. It's been a very long time since I felt this good. Especially when it's not CKP. Usually I only reach such states when I'm with CKP, but this time, it's different. It's with Uni people. OMG. I feel so fortunate! :)

I'm glad to have such wonderful people with me in my centre and song sign group. I'll upload more stuff later but now I'm really tired. Just want to say:

RSPHI~

SUPER ZAI! :)

Chirstmas Song Sign

2009-12-18T21:17:00.002+08:00

The big day has finally arrived. In fact, I just came home from the wonderful performance. It was amazing. It felt like old days again when I was back on stage performing when I was in primary and seconday school. Then this feeling finally hit back again when I was back in toastmaster as well as...now. :)

Only this time, I'm all high and hyped with a group of absolutely crazy people. Haha. I must say the performance was a wonderful experience, especially the small girl looking into my face checking me out if I was still alive (because I was acting like a doll in one of the part). So funny.

There was this other lady who wore a very angry and had a fiery look in her eyes while I was performing at the side. Many thanks to what I've learnt during my company on stage time, I look for more positive and supporting faces. It was really scary to be honest. And yes, anxious and exciting. Crazily fun captures maybe one-fifth of the excitement in words? Haha.

At home, I received a letter from my old school. My old family sent me a letter, and it was just like any normal letter sent every year. Yet, this year, it meant something different with the words.

A Personal Note
I hope you remember what I wrote to you last year. Even though I am repeating what I said, the truth does not change, which is that everyone of you was made for success --- that is what God intended. He has never created a failure. I trust that belief has brought you through some good learning experiences in the past year. I pray for each of you that your journey will be a fruitful one of finding your true self.

This was a note from Berlinda Charles, the Principal of my secoundary school. Somehow, when you left your old family, you begin to see the love and kindness coming from them. I'm pretty glad that God has always been so kind to me, blessing me with great family.

When I read that paragraph, somehow my eyes went wet. In secondary school, I had my brothers. Though we rarely commnunicate nowadays, the bond is still surprisingly very strong. And in college, I found Berlin, CKP and 210. Berlin was like a very good buddy, while CKP is still currently ranked number 1 in my heart. 210 had been a great class with amazing people.

Till I come to NTU, things didn't quite look fun the way I anticipated. The class wasn't as enthusiastic as what I thought, but I'm glad I took up this CCA, RSPHI. I was again felt like I'm back in a family. Perhaps it's the long hours together, perhaps it's the craziness. Or maybe it's the fact that we really can talk cock, sing song and htht. Wahaha. I feel so kuku when I learnt what was htht during these couple of days.

I've made some truly crazy and amazing friends, bonded some beautiful friendship and learnt alot from these people. Life has been different this December. It's not like others where I worked to help out, but this month, it's a month of real joy and love.

I finally see what people say they love RSPHI and how it has changed their lives. For unknowingly, I've been converted to be one of them as well.

In days where times are dark, when night seems longer than days, or when the sun no longer shines for you, be courageous. For the people you love is here, the people care for you are here, the people who love you are also here. Be thankful that being holy is not about doing great things, but doing little things great. And I'm truly glad, that I've been a fortunate part of those people who have those great deeds done upon me. Thank you.

The mini-me syndrome stepped in today during our htht session. I got to know more about ML. ML has a very close friend, statues unknown, but it'll be something I would love to find out. I thougth of get out of the competition when I know there were competitors. Then along the way, I came to realized that I'm such a freaking coward. The competition has even started, I don't even know if i'm eligible for the competition and better still, I don't even know if the other competitor is in for the challenge and I already throw in the towel. Such a freaking loser.

I'm only thankful this particular phrase came to mind when I was almost throw in the towel.

The greatest regret in life is not getting what you want, but knowing you didn't put in the effort to pursue what you want.

So I supposed, if there is a competition, I'll rise on to the challenge. I've set my eyes on the prize, so I'll put my best foot forward and see where it'll lead me to. I've already failed twice in the past two years, failing another time won't hurt any way. After all, more nos means more yes. Yeah! :)